I guess everyone needs someone...

Sitting on the train this morning looking up at the sky I saw the sickest clouds with the best backdrop ever.. Maybe the window was dirty or maybe it was a sign but the clouds were in a straight line with blue shadowing them with a backdrop of gray and the impending rain to come today.. As I sat there listening to the man doom tell me about Lifesavers and tried to get through this middle eastern homework my mind kept wandering back to this past weekend and the weird taste it has left in my mouth.. Dont get me wrong I had a great time but something about it doesnt sit right.. Here I'll tell you the story and you tell me what you think.. Or maybe this is me just working it out.. Whatever here we go.. So i have a friend from childhood who knows one side of me.. We have history and a pretty close friendship.. She is one of my closest friends and someone I care deeply for.. So over the summer against my better judgment i agreed to introduce her to my family as a whole.. Well the ones that are closest aka my sister and what not.. After she canceled on me the first time... School started, second job kicked in and time with family dwindled.. So the next time down visiting was my sisters bday which my bro in law made into this fancy event in Philadelphia with the whole fam plus friends.. Plus neighbors... Yet she still insisted on joining.. Before taking this journey that my fam is nuts and there will be questions.. Sidenote.. Im quite private (ironic no?) and have only introduced two people to my family.. One was someone I thought i would marry and the other was who they thought I would marry.. Anyway so we embark on this magical journey.. Do dinner.. Have a good time.. We clown my cousin and his superficial thoughts on himself.. She seems to fit perfectly at dinner entertaining herself while holding her own when conversations travel all around.. Its about as comfortable Ive ever felt with someone while around my family and maybe even more so with my family in general.. As if Im not alone.. and someone else I could sidetalk with.. joke with.. walk with.. nah mean.. it makes it easier when you dont really want to deal with others to have someone you like dealing with around.. so Sunday comes around and its brunch and the conversations are less p.c and more in sections.. as the men huddle around the common question is whats the deal with me and her and when i deny any involvement i get the sideeyes, the quick glances, and the dreaded "man please...".. so when I finally get her alone I explain to her jokingly what has happened.. and the common questions that came with it.. After about a moment of silence.. She begins to rebuff these questions like i was suggesting she was the anti-christ.. See this has been my issue with said friend.. For the most part I have never swayed in my thoughts on our relationship.. I feel as if Ive been quite clear.. Im confused.. See thats clear.. Ive said from the beginning that I love her to death but as time goes on she makes me realize how much it wont work.. There was the whole logic vs want talk.. the talk about attraction levels.. and the whole discussion on the stance of how close we are and not wanting to ruin that.. On the train coming home from my sisters that night something strange hit me,, the reason i didnt feel well coming home was because I was offended.. More so due to the fact that these conversations were constant reminders of my shortcomings without me putting myself out there to have them critiqued.. I could see if I was consistently pursuing but I wasnt.. I was actually not pursuing.. refusing to do so because of the strange situation our relationship has landed us in.. See months back when discussing why she wanted to meet my family and my reasons for being against it.. my major reason is the sign it would show to those related to me and to my own psyche.. Because of my few interactions with my public and personal life I take them very seriously and how i feel during and after as deciding factors.. and with the two previous I always felt like it was wrong on some level I was completely uncomfortable and wished to never experience it again.. Whereas this past weekend I never felt as comfortable.. With that being said my mind began to race as it does when contacted with these situations and I realized that for the most part I avoid these situations purposely and asked her to understand that.. but instead it was pursued.. and my feelings were proved correct.. but at the same time I felt some type of way because of this whole need to prove to the world we arent together.. As long as I know and she knows why is there such a need to be so vehement about the subject.. almost like shes proving it to herself.. because i never ask or imply I want our friendship to change.. actually I dont even think I would know how to respond if I was asked for it to change.. Im so used to where we are now.. but Im beginning to question if its healthy.. my self esteem aside how can other match up if she plays such a large role in my life? if im so comfortable with her? why would i even begin to look when ready? and knowing that she has no reserves with doing "her thing" is my singlehood and continued silent role sending the wrong signal?.. whatever I just know at this point I find myself at some crossroad almost ready to cut another friend off because of a perceived need to grow separately.. later homes

train ramblings

So as usual I'm waiting for a train heading to that usual place of employment and realized after my last blog displaying my new interest in updating this thing I just stopped.. I'm not gonna lie I've found other outlets at getting my thoughts out while still maintaining social connections.. You can find me on twitter using my link twitter.com/mfdash.. Okayplayer boards the illcommunity.. And idealist.com.. Are all places I'm sharing my thoughts and what not so my whole reason for blogging has taken a back seat to the instant gratifaction that comes with conversing with people in live time.. I've also been on this whole get my ish together mission hoping that in the end it will make me a better option/person for the rest of the world to have/share/notice.. See I've always had this lack of confidence while maintaining a cheery outlook on my face in false extrovert personality.. But as I get older the want to be fake or apease people have dwindled to the place where I feel if you don't like me I like you less and could care less.. But today while on this crowded platform I went back to my usual standby of people watching.. Since its free for students this week the platform is more crowded than I would like with all these youngins heading for a night of debauchery in nyc.. So of course I'm judging different mofos and spouses/whatnots while looking at the regular commuters and noticing similar expressions of anoyance/disgust/and mingled intrigue.. Through these observations though I've noticed that my lack of confidence/game will lead me to be single for the rest of my life.. One of my twitter friends agreed that we are in the age of corny mofos with bad chics.. But this is an epidemic that needs to be studied.. I don't understand how this is happenning it makes even a cynic like me believe there is someone for everyone and at the end of the day all one may need is confidence because mofos is killing me right now

In Retrospect...

Like any kid born in the mid 80's Kid 'n Play were my idols.. I had the high top fade and said def as much as possible.. When I went to dance parties I even did the dance (you know the house party dance.. kick kick drop spin)... And as much as a nerd as I was I let Kid go when he spelled Dik wrong.. But I will not forgive Mr. Reid for this.. Saw this on Vh1 and then had to post after I saw it on Crunk and Disorderly .. Enjoy this mess and then relive the good old days directly below..

New Budden For that Ass

You know I love Joe Budden.. One of my favorite emcees.. well I got this gem from 2dopeboyz and decided to share with you people.. enjoy..


Edit Here goes Pt 2 this dude is nasty..

Its like Bronx tale or some shit...

What was it that Sonny said? You only get three women in your life.. I always knew for a fact that I had my first two before I was 21.. Over time I begin to realize even more so how much this has been true in my life as I meet the random skeezer and what not.. Granted there has been some good ones.. but the greats is a hard thing to forget.. The major problem is I am affected too deeply by books and movies and I begin to think and act as characters or authors tell me I should act in my love life.. and the biggest influence has been High Fidelity.. See Cusack has always been my boy.. but that movie/book helped me connect further with him in ways Ive never connected with anyone before.. The idea of being torn up over how relationships end, and the immense feeling of guilt that it was always your fault worked for me.. Actually it made me feel not alone.. Because in my late teen years that was the perception.. See it didnt help that both of the "Great Ones" seemed to find their Soulmate or whatever that means.. and Ive gone from two significant relationships in the course of 7 years to 10 girlfriends 5 jumpoffs and and 3 more than one dates.. not counting the many single dates and hookups.. in the three years since.. Its been weird to be a part of due to not understanding this dynamic and really trying to understand how this happened.. While still maintaining this thought that One of those Two Great Ones will end up being the Ultimate Great One.. Until I found this following quote that is..

I'll love you forever
'cause you'll know me better.
For the record
at one time would've married you in a second.
But killed the rekindling dreams
but navigate the friendship
or else
by the time the stress
air out we'll both be dead and friendless.

- Aesop Rock 11:35

See what Ive come to realize during my many High Fidelity escapades is this need to maintain friendships with these woman but by doing so Ive ruined them by not separating past feelings.. Ive come to understand this in so many ways.. Especially because both of them are less emotional than i am and seem to have been able to separate such feelings.. Even though one doesnt really talk to me (totally acceptable I did her dirty) and the other one plays on my emotions but whatever at least Im letting go... At least thats what I like to tell myself today..

Its Been a Long Time

Its been a minute since Ive last written.. Ive had a few reasons to why I fell off.. Ill share what I feel is important.. and the other reasons knock up to writers block..

1st - I wanted to separate my Personal Persona from the blog.. Ive been feeling some pressure because I am so open on the blog with my personal life.. This was started to get me away from that with Myspace and then I realized I was handing this address out like water.. See Im not worried about getting all these reads.. Im worried about offending people unnecessarily..

2nd - When I started this blog, I tried to start this as a place for me to vent about the relationship issues of dating in my area, a place to share my opinions and thoughts, and to pass my favorite music out.. Then I found forums.. Particularly Allhiphop, and Okay Player.. and realized that did the same function.. with more feed back..

3rd - Ive been busy.. for real.. new job.. changed back to job.. "interning".. and all that other jazz.. went back to classes full time.. and just said eff a blog.. no offense but this ish dont pay... and my time is money

With that said I know you're probably wondering why I came back.. What am I doing back if this "ish doesnt pay" and if im "sooo busy".. Well enough time has passed where Im comfortable being open again.. and also now I have the type of issues that I dont feel bad putting out there.. Also other people have started blogs that make me jealous because it reminded me of what I started this for..

So the future format of this blog is this..

1. Personal Stories
2. Music and Movies and ish I feel you should feel
3. Opinions
4. Things Im into

Yea this is the ultimate jerkoff for me.. Something all about me and what I like.. Whatever you dont have to read.. Enjoy Though..

My Stan Level has grown..

I'm Stanning so hard for Jay Electronica its sad.. I love this dude.. and really hope he ushers in that wave of emcees like nibiru

RADIOHEAD'S "HOUSE OF CARDS"

So I bought this shit back when it was on sale on the internet for like a dollar.. and just cataloged it as listen to soon.. Radiohead's In Rainbows.. is amazing.. This is currently my favorite song.. No back meanings, no cross posts just good music.. .. later homes

New Atmosphere... Tell me what you think?

I'm not sure how I feel about this.. I always like their music but sometimes I feel like that hater who never wants to see change.. As time goes on and I grow I change but most of the time I hope my favorites don't.. Its cool though.. This is just the precursor to the album thats on its way.. And not only that I will be seeing them at Webster Hall on the 20th.. So yea I guess this is considered Dope.. Atmosphere - Guarantees

later homes.. you know the rest

Wow This is Amazing

I've been on this Sublime kick ever since this past weekend.. And went looking on YouTube for the video to "Let's Go Get Stoned" and found this little gem...

Amazing right?.. Im not really into Betty Boop but she seems to have that FIRE for everyone.. Whatever you're looking for Betty Boop can provide...
Anyway here is the video I was looking for.. If you dont know Sublime is that shit..
...
The ultimate bored relationship song.. Where you're just looking for ways to get out.. And start saying eff this everything is wrong.. But you know its just you.. HAHA.. I'm out later homes.. On my Eric Benet Shit Fuck Everything..

New Roots...

New Roots courtesy of my new favorite site.. TheExactly.net.. Check that site out.. its real music and the dude that runs it seems to have great taste.. thats usually hard for me to say.. but for real. Anyway this shit right here is fire.. Im so excited for this album.. not only that but me and my homie Marsha are going to be seeing them on May 9th at Radio City with Erykah Badu and believe the Roots were made for Radio City.. The last two times there they tore the place down (its funny how quick they rebuilt it), anyway.. Check it out and tell me what you think and check out theexactly.net.. Later Homes.. by the way.. Hip hop is coming back hard it seems.. and for some reason Mark Ronson seems to be involved.. go figure..

Stole this from MickBoogie's Blog Spot

Apparently for the whole month of April MTV will be re-airing Yo MTV raps which excites me like no other.. This was one of my favorite shows as a young'en as the rest of you were rocking He Man I was getting this on.. I still remember being dumb young and confused with the Dr.Dre's.. Does anyone remember Who's the Man? and why has no one called Ed Lover with his hard talking self for his blonde doo back in the day.. Ha Whatever Later homes...

The Idea of Tomorrow is a false thought

"The future you have today wont be the same as the future you had tomorrow"

What are the true thoughts on fate and the consequences of all your actions.. When acting do think of how that may affect everything that may happen in the future of your life.. What are you doing to make your life better today so that tomorrow is on point?.. This is what I think of everyday when I wake up.. So as I fight through the bs and monotony of the every day struggle I realize its all for a greater cause.. to be the best that I can be.. to be the... thats right the black power ranger... later homes..

New Blu Video.. I love this song

I really like this picture.. I wish I put more of this up in my apt....

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