Lyrics:

Sleeping by yourself at night can make you feel alone
Your girlfriend said so but I don't really know
That don't mean we fucked around
That night last week when you left town

Was tweakin' by myself one night, that's when I wrote this tune
Didn't have no need for that bed in my hotel room
Sometimes right now since I've left the pen
Feels like I'm right back there again

Sometimes I pray
Waiting, waiting for some bright holiday
So I bought myself a gun
And I'm right back, right back where I'm from

Sleeping by yourself at night can make you feel alone
My girfriend said so, she's a little ho
That don't mean I fuck around
I like to keep that higher ground

Sometimes I pray
Waiting, waiting for some bright holiday
So I bought myself a gun
And I'm right back, right back where I'm from

Ohhh, don't tease me
Ohhh, don't tease me
Don't tease me, ohhh

Sometimes I pray
Waiting, waiting for some bright holiday
So I bought myself a gun
And I'm right back, right back where I'm from

So Ive had this song in my head for a few weeks now.. well mainly the first four lines.. I really like this song but love the pointed nature of it.. As this year has progressed I found myself growing up and going through that whole "maybe I'm an adult now" phase.. Looking around wanting new things.. different things.. So recently Ive been talking myself into opening up and being more accessible.. I dont know if it will work but I needed to get this song down on record.. Ill write later...

College Musings...

I blame the tone of this blog on Radiohead.. a long morning on the treadmill.. and not sleeping for more than an hour in 24.. (you've been warned).. Lets start with a song..


So you thought I would lead with something like "Creep" or something of that nature but no.. This song makes perfect sense for the meaning of this blog.. Lets see if you can keep up.. This morning while taking the Express bus across campus I found myself listening to Radiohead.. Which isnt new since I decided I wanted to hear their whole catalog this morning.. Ive been back into this whole running thing and when I run I listen to harder and faster music.. Todays choice was Nirvana - In Utero.. So as I was leaving the gym I needed something to relax me and made the mistake of choosing this Radiohead Catalog.. Its not that it isnt good or relaxing.. The issue is.. Its kind of depressing.. Well anyway.. I was on the bus and watched as a group of students started discussing class and their sororities/frats and the different events of the weekend.. I watched with much interest because they were all non-traditional students like myself and yet still find themselves immersed in this college lifestyle.. I found myself feeling even more gloomy than the overcast that I was staring out into.. Dont get me wrong I dont find myself to be frat material but I feel like Im missing the point of college.. I feel like my ability to make friends has diminished and I feel myself talking less everyday.. See most people think you learn everything in the classroom while at school but in my humble opinion that is not true.. The most valuable lessons seem to be learned with your peers.. The discussions, The experiences, The stories.. And yet here I am looking at a graduation date with none of that to show for this long and stressful journey.. Ive made a few friends along the way but I may end up knowing two of the five for the rest of my life.. I just feel like this all may have been the biggest waste of time and money.. But then again I realize that I chose this lifestyle and for the most part caused this whole anti social movement.. It may have been this past weekend but I feel like Im growing in weird directions.. and its not really helpful.. Whatever as Thom Yorke would say.. "I do it to myself.."

Zack and Miri Make a Porno, while making me think...

So its been awhile since Ive last written and it usually goes like that.. A complete rush of posts then I get burnt out and all writer's blocked.. but today I saw something that made me write.. I went to see the new Kevin Smith movie... "Zack and Miri make a Porno.." It was pretty dope and funny, if you have the time and money you should definitely check it out.. It was outrageous to say the least and if you are faint at heart or ultra conservative it may leave you feeling uncomfortable.. but this isnt a review now is it?..
The reason I am writing about this movie was the experience of seeing it.. See I am a moviegoer.. I go often and usually with someone but it seems that lately Ive been rocking by myself.. And not out of lack of partner.. just because sometimes you just want to get lost by yourself.. and thats what movies for the most part do.. you get lost into someone else's life, problems, fantasies, desires.. and so on.. for those two hours (usually) you're no longer you, you're you watching someone else be something else.. Whatever your problems or thoughts are, are usually forgotten while you enjoy not thinking.. But todays movie was more of a test of wills.. I never thought a kevin smith movie about pornos would be so dateish.. and never did i think i would wish someone would be with me.. I always catch myself trying not to conform into this whole relationship crowd.. but find myself in that crowd.. the issue with zack and miri was the same issue ive been having.. "the whole friendships and being platonic." because as i was watching that movie i couldnt help but to think of "the friend" and how much she may have enjoyed that movie.. even though she wanted nothing to do with seeing it.. and also wondering if she would get why it would have been awkward.. but at the same time I was glad she wasnt there because it would have further sent the wrong idea of intentions to her and somehow i would have been self conscious about her thinking i knew the plot and set it up.. see i wish i would have known the plot but i didnt.. i have this strict belief in never reading reviews before seeing a movie.. ever since i saw movies i hated loved by critics and movies i loved hated by critics.. i feel the same way about movies that i feel about everything else in life.. form your own idea.. never be swayed.. youll end up losing out in the end.. i was gonna write more but that seems like a good enough ending.. later homes

God Doesnt Love.. Nor Do I?

When I was in high school I remember reading and acting out Julius Ceaser for English class.. Of the Shakespearean classics that was my favorite to read.. The Leonardo Dicaprio led Romeo and Juliet was my favorite film adaptation with Ten Things I Hate About You coming in a close second.. The reason I have such an affinity for Julius Ceaser was the character of Brutus... He is one of my favorite literary characters of all times.. And he introduced me to a lifestyle that at the time I was already following but now i had a reason to... I learned what a stoic was and why it was important to be one.. See Brutus never let his emotions get the best of him.. always acting out in the cause of the greater good no matter how it may have affected him personally... As a child I learned this lesson the hard way.. Growing up with my mom, emotions were taught to be a good thing, she would instill in me the ability to show how I feel and to express that, but after moving in with my dad things changed.. I learned that emotions really didnt have a place in this new world.. and being overly emotional usually had negative results rather than the ones that helped bring about change.. since the time i was 9 i can count on two hands the amount of times i even came close to shedding tears from either happiness or sadness.. You just learn that it isnt worth it.. As I grew older I began to wearing this poker face no matter what.. It was best for my situation and it helped me be the cool head in many a hot situations.. Have I lost control over the last 15 years? Of course.. but Ive learned a valuable lesson each time.. Sometimes this can come off as cool, calculating, non emotional, and whatever else.. but for the most part it doesnt come off as anything at all because people get used to you not having any kind of emotion at all... In this current relationship model I sometimes wonder if its a hinderence or a plus.. I catch myself no matter what i think falling back and letting the situation dictate my mood.. but recently ive been told it comes off as non-interest or a calculating way of getting some proverbial upper hand in dating.. when in all honesty i just never know how to respond and when i do i think deeply about the whole idea of it... I just feel like as we get older this whole dating thing should be done with more responsibility then the average decision.. and if i feel that way about dating it carries into my everyday life... Whatever.. I dont know why I keep writing about dating when for the most part i describe myself as "not really looking but looking".. I find myself intrigued and wishful but with this whole idea that so much is needed that i may not have the ability to do it... I feel like if it happens it happens but for the most part.. it is what it is.. later homes

Ready?

Anyone who knows me in anyway knows for the last year or so Ive been on some type of romantic hiatus.. basically Ive been trying to go along without getting emotionally involved.. Over the last few years relationships have been weird and Ive tried to avoid them like a plague.. A part of me was caught up in the past and another part of me was kind of fearful that I was leaving the old me behind and beginning something that will change me again.. After the fire of the major breakup it took a while for me to understand who i was and what I wanted.. I felt the need to figure that out and along the way became someone completely different than I ever was.. I was happy with that.. Almost enjoyed this new independence.. I found myself happy to be on my own way.. Not really thinking about others while building a life built around me.. Ive realized as you build relationships your life begins to plan for two rather than one.. You begin to act as if there is an understanding that there is a future and it includes two.. You make sacrifices, and you make agreements.. For the most part these agreements are things you may not have made while not in a relationship.. these decisions are the types that impact your life and future forever and being the back to the future fan I am I never wanted to make the "sports almanac" mistake again.. See I thought I was alone in this quest and thought my life in sin was something only I was doing in my own secret world.. Until recently someone sent me a NYTimes article written by some guy going to USC talking about the end of the relationship especially in the young adult crowd.. He talked about time, effort, availability, and desire as reasons the age of the college /young profesional relationship began to die.. He mentioned the loss of the desire to date and more of the same talk why would you if you can just hang out at the house.. As I read his article I began to realize that this was my idea of why I wouldn't get into anything.. Why I was fearful of starting something new.. Everything I was looking for at the time was being provided without the commitment of a relationship.. The issue now is as I've gotten older and my priorities continue to change and mature I find myself wanting more of a companion than a friend.. This all plays into my whole friend dynamic with the male and female.. As I begin to evolve so do my motives and my options of course as a youngin you want those female friends to chill with but as you get older you always want more.. The issue with me now is Do I think I'm ready and if I am have I found that new understanding with myself.. I catch myself wanting what I've seen so many of my friends decide and wondering if its for me and if I'm making the right choices.. Because a year ago I couldn't imagine wanting to take my groups ski trip with someone else or wanting to make plans with someone for the holidays but now I find myself wanting all that and more.. Is this that point where the old heads tell you you're maturing or is this me falling into the trappings of a duel society.. I have no idea but I know that as of now I'm quite intrigued.. Later homes..

Question?

Someone asked me recently " how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?" I said I don't know I guess as long as it takes I'll know when I get there... They responded it takes 3... Is that truthful?

Forever? (stolen from my personal journal 1/1/08)

So how long is forever anyway? I mean seriously when we say forever do we really mean forever? Because just recently I saw someone I havent seen in forever.. but if that was true that would have meant I never actually seen them right? So when we promise others to love them or what not and we say forever do we really mean it? And if we do, do we know what we are getting ourselves into.. Ive been wrestling with this idea for some time now.. This whole concept of time and commitment and if my soul can cash checks my body isnt ready to handle.. But sometimes I question if thats the whole idea of love.. the whole concept of forever.. and when you say forever its truly supposed to be forever.. see a man like me doesnt believe in love, or the whole forever idea.. because i think everything has a time limit and everyone has the right to change their mind.. but this whole torch of mine is starting to get a little heavy.. I have a torch with the magical words of forever etched in it wrapped in gold.. I feel like Ive been holding this torch for a little over seven years now.. and for the first half of those seven years it was as bright as it can be.. something for the whole world to feel and see.. I held it high and proud.. never tired of it.. never trading it in.. as time went on the torch began to dim but words began to stick out more.. as i try to replace said torch.. with torches from the north.. torches from the islands.. torches from the ivy's.. torches from the past.. I find myself continuing this process of carrying something I no longer want to hold.. but my soul seemed to have made a promise to carry it forever no matter what.. this torch seems to have been nothing but a downfall.. an inhibitor of everything new, fresh, clean, and fun.. When I get the new torches I would always compare them to the one I can't let go.. and at some point I always choose to stick with whats old.. See for the most part my body and mind says let it go.. youre holding it alone.. but my soul responds with words about promises and keeping them and thoughts about re-living them.. see my soul is the illogical part of me.. the one that if it was possible would believe in santa clause, and the easter bunny, and what not... my mind and body is logical and believes in the physical concept of new things, wants, desires, smells, and feelings. my body and mind are also the ones dealing with calcium build up in my arm from holding said torch and all that comes with it.. but my soul refuses to give up.. refuses to let go.. sometimes i feel like its refusing to let me grow.. I really need to find a way to give up.. let it go.. move on.. this cant be like this forever right? see and there goes that word forever again.. and the implications the word holds when used with its full meaning.. I sometimes think forever should be seen as a negative.. a word only used when your time is up.. like the two people in that movie.. you know the one.. as they lay there staring down their fate.. only then should one say i will love you forever.. because in all honesty thats the only time its possible..

This what Im labeled as

Your result for Howard Gardner's Eight Types of Intelligence Test...

Intrapersonal

12% Logical, 25% Spatial, 47% Linguistic, 51% Intrapersonal, 24% Interpersonal, 35% Musical, 25% Bodily-Kinesthetic and 10% Naturalistic!

"This area has to do with introspective and self-reflective capacities. Those who are strongest in this intelligence are typically introverts and prefer to work alone. They are usually highly self-aware and capable of understanding their own emotions, goals and motivations. They often have an affinity for thought-based pursuits such as philosophy. They learn best when allowed to concentrate on the subject by themselves. There is often a high level of perfectionism associated with this intelligence.

Careers which suit those with this intelligence include philosophers, psychologists, theologians, writers and scientists." (Wikipedia)

Take Howard Gardner's Eight Types of Intelligence Test at HelloQuizzy

Its so hard in the D...

saw this on Sickamore's blog and decided to jack it.. (whatever he jacked it as well..) My whole thing is this is more for me.. being I actually write about people.. consistently.. Recently I've been trying to go back to my old standby of being vague and discretionary.. But Im about to start putting people on blast.. just because im bored..

Music is my anti-drug..

A couple of things said about me or stories Ive been involved with recently that may prove music may play too much a role in my life...

"If I never hear you and Jeff talk about music or fantasy football again It wont be long enough"

- A frequent standby while I'm talking to Jeff

Walked into an exam this past Saturday and sat down to take it.. Finished said exam and handed it in.. Walked out of the exam and saw a friend sitting by the wall.. She looks at me and rolls her eyes i ask what and she begins to talk.. nothing.. but her mouth is moving.. then it hits.. never took my headphones off...

Began re-listening to my favorite emcee's whole album catalogue in succession so I can better get a feel for how great he is..

Someone I never met in person said the following of me.MFDash (4:37:04 AM): i dont think i expressed this but music runs my life
nee23 (4:37:19 AM): That's obvious
MFDash (4:37:35 AM): i was late for a meeting in the library today so i could set a playlist for my shower and my bike ride there and back
MFDash (4:38:25 AM): why is that obvious
MFDash (4:38:26 AM): ?
nee23 (4:38:49 AM): lol. it happens
nee23 (4:39:03 AM): and anyone with sense can tell music is a huge part of your life
nee23 (4:39:10 AM): or anyone who can read for that matter
nee23 (4:39:30 AM): headphones are like a hat for you
nee23 (4:39:34 AM): right?
MFDash (4:39:42 AM): yea basically
nee23 (4:39:43 AM): without it you feel odd
MFDash (4:39:52 AM): one of my friends call them skin
nee23 (4:39:59 AM): yea
nee23 (4:40:02 AM): appendix
(yes that inspired this post)

Finally while waiting for W to start today I left the theater to discuss the different rhyming patterns of certain emcees and their ability to ride a beat..

Sometimes I think I may need a life...

thats right music is my life...

by the way this is my new theme song..


later homes

Why do Ladies love Fancy Clowns

George W. Bush inspired me today..

So I saw the Bush movie today by Oliver Stone.. and oddly enough I left feeling differently about our 43rd president than I did going in.. Im still not a big fan.. but if the movies depiction of him is anywhere near spot on.. I admire his determination.. There is a piece of me that admires that trait in people... I dont know why but I always question my own determination.. as hard as i work i question if im working as hard as I should be.. Well anyway while watching the movie I began to notice my slack off from goals Ive set for myself this year.. Even though I am reaching some there are others that once reached Ive kind of left alone.. Which as depressed me.. I like to talk this big game about whats important and what I want but in the end I feel like Im not doing enough.. So like any 5 year old I realized I needed to begin to reward myself.. haha.. I dont mean just begin rewarding myself.. Im talking about setting goals with levels and rewarding myself only when completed.. To add dedication.. See I see the issue of being in full control of rewards and methods.. but ive discovered a way around that.. google calendar.. each day I will knock off if I completed a goal and let google decide if I get a reward.. Ive randomly selected days as my turning point days.. Like one of my goals is to shave two minutes off my mile run.. So if by a certain date I dont do it I wont be able to buy myself Civilization 4 for Xbox 360.. yea this all seems trivial and the fact is i shouldnt need a reward to complete these goals but you know what.. I like this method.. and will try it out.. overall though these are all goals that i think will make me a better person which is a reward and a goal all in one.. I dont know this blog is really random and badly constructed but i needed to conceptualize this idea before starting... It was a goal for the day.. haha.. no reward though.. boo.. anyway.. enjoy the next blog? haha later homes..

Change the name to....

This song is so dope.. When i get a chance i will stream the Doom Version but for now you'll get the point..

Why dont you...

and they said hip hop was bitches hoes drugs and guns.. later homes

Life Decisions

Three posts in three days this is like a record for me this past year.. Anyway.. So Ive been reading another blog lately keeping up with it daily and looking to see the similarities between mine and hers while also looking for inspiration on topics to write about.. Today she wrote about life and the process of growing up and becoming an adult.. I was always fascinated by the idea that we are becoming adults in our early to mid twenties.. When i was younger I thought Id have it all figured out by now... I had a good example and a bad one all rolled up into one.. I idolized my sister and brother in laws situation thinking that I should be able to accomplish what they have in the same strides and more since the younger generation should always do it better.. See they were married at 21 and had a house not long after.. They have two kids and have already moved into their new residence and my sister just turned early 30's.. To me that set me on some trajectory that may be unattainable.. Maybe it was my maturity level at that time or maybe I just made the wrong decisions but I am just seeing my life come together and starting to find my way through it.. My decisions and thought process have begun to be more concrete while having more of a life plan behind them.. This became even more evident this weekend as talking to people around me.. Well my bro in law and his neighbor and two of my bosses I made a decision of what to do when I get out of school.. For the first time a goal is attainable and its not something I really am excited about but more so a means to a goal that I am excited about.. Its weird though because as much as Ive talked about this goal in this post I refuse to discuss it outside of that circle.. I think in some ways I am nervous.. and other ways Im embarrassed that I may not complete it or that better options may present themselves.. But as of now this is what Im working towards full speed.. so all those wondering what Im doing for the first time I have something that Im confident is a means to an end.. later homes.. and btw.. a finale..

Watch the sad clown die

This world ain't a wasteland
It just taste that way some times.
It depends on the angle
On how you read your lines.
For every brick we stack to come together to build
There's a sick little crack in this foundation still.
Humans! I can't accept them.
Trying to understand them
And what fuels them and their essence.
I'm looking for some leverage.
Catch up, trying to catch me.
Curse-ed, depress-ed.
Here to make you happy.
"Hey daddy tell me why the clown is crying."
"Well son he's got the task of cheering up the ill and dying.
On top of that everybody thinks that he's insane.
Can't fathom why he'd wanna ease their pain."
Walking through this maze made of concrete walls
When you're not allowed to climb there's no way to possibly fall.
When your hands are restricted to hold nothing but self
How can you get a grip?
How can you pick up what you're dealt?
The clown stays sad.
The ground stays hard.
With a couple pounds of migraine, a pocket full of scars.
But the face stays painted on for everyone to gaze upon
continuing the bad dream till he wakes up gone.
Do they see me?
Do they know that I exist?
I know they do.
I can tell by the way they wave their fists.
Weirdo. Freak.
Words of endearment ring in my ears
And cling onto my tears.
My purpose on this earth was to brighten the sun ray
At the circus or parade, house call on a birthday.
A bag of balloons, I can build you a farm.
Became worthless when they took away both of my arms.
Snake charms.
Magic tricks.
The world is flat.
And the traffic is thick.
Got my back to the wind as I watch the inhabitants.
Every thought I come across is bigger than this planet is.
I used to be a normal person
But I held a hunger to experience it firsthand.
I wanted to turn every frown upside down.
Some how my feet separated from the ground.
And the clown stays sad the people stay lost.
Nah, the people are sad, we lost the clown.
But the face stays painted on for everyone to gaze upon
And it will stay that way until the break of dawn.
So throw your hands in the air!
"Oh, I'm sorry you can't you're wearing a straight jacket."

Some times I have this fear of blogging.. talking.. sharing.. It seems like every time I speak my mind I end up offending someone somehow.. When all I want is to have a free voice.. Whats weird is that for the most part i seem to exude the aura of confidant.. people come to me with all types of issues and for the most part Im supposed to be supportive.. objective.. happy to help.. whereas there never seems to be a place for me to be open except in these posts and yet i still get the phone calls and the nasty messages... The worst aspect is the feeling of guilt.. Like I shouldnt have feelings or emotions, and my face to the world should never change.. I dont even understand how thats beneficial to me or the people close to me in anyway.. These are the days when I want to overhaul my whole list of friends and just start anew or maybe become a hermit.. I dunno it is what it is later homes

I guess everyone needs someone...

Sitting on the train this morning looking up at the sky I saw the sickest clouds with the best backdrop ever.. Maybe the window was dirty or maybe it was a sign but the clouds were in a straight line with blue shadowing them with a backdrop of gray and the impending rain to come today.. As I sat there listening to the man doom tell me about Lifesavers and tried to get through this middle eastern homework my mind kept wandering back to this past weekend and the weird taste it has left in my mouth.. Dont get me wrong I had a great time but something about it doesnt sit right.. Here I'll tell you the story and you tell me what you think.. Or maybe this is me just working it out.. Whatever here we go.. So i have a friend from childhood who knows one side of me.. We have history and a pretty close friendship.. She is one of my closest friends and someone I care deeply for.. So over the summer against my better judgment i agreed to introduce her to my family as a whole.. Well the ones that are closest aka my sister and what not.. After she canceled on me the first time... School started, second job kicked in and time with family dwindled.. So the next time down visiting was my sisters bday which my bro in law made into this fancy event in Philadelphia with the whole fam plus friends.. Plus neighbors... Yet she still insisted on joining.. Before taking this journey that my fam is nuts and there will be questions.. Sidenote.. Im quite private (ironic no?) and have only introduced two people to my family.. One was someone I thought i would marry and the other was who they thought I would marry.. Anyway so we embark on this magical journey.. Do dinner.. Have a good time.. We clown my cousin and his superficial thoughts on himself.. She seems to fit perfectly at dinner entertaining herself while holding her own when conversations travel all around.. Its about as comfortable Ive ever felt with someone while around my family and maybe even more so with my family in general.. As if Im not alone.. and someone else I could sidetalk with.. joke with.. walk with.. nah mean.. it makes it easier when you dont really want to deal with others to have someone you like dealing with around.. so Sunday comes around and its brunch and the conversations are less p.c and more in sections.. as the men huddle around the common question is whats the deal with me and her and when i deny any involvement i get the sideeyes, the quick glances, and the dreaded "man please...".. so when I finally get her alone I explain to her jokingly what has happened.. and the common questions that came with it.. After about a moment of silence.. She begins to rebuff these questions like i was suggesting she was the anti-christ.. See this has been my issue with said friend.. For the most part I have never swayed in my thoughts on our relationship.. I feel as if Ive been quite clear.. Im confused.. See thats clear.. Ive said from the beginning that I love her to death but as time goes on she makes me realize how much it wont work.. There was the whole logic vs want talk.. the talk about attraction levels.. and the whole discussion on the stance of how close we are and not wanting to ruin that.. On the train coming home from my sisters that night something strange hit me,, the reason i didnt feel well coming home was because I was offended.. More so due to the fact that these conversations were constant reminders of my shortcomings without me putting myself out there to have them critiqued.. I could see if I was consistently pursuing but I wasnt.. I was actually not pursuing.. refusing to do so because of the strange situation our relationship has landed us in.. See months back when discussing why she wanted to meet my family and my reasons for being against it.. my major reason is the sign it would show to those related to me and to my own psyche.. Because of my few interactions with my public and personal life I take them very seriously and how i feel during and after as deciding factors.. and with the two previous I always felt like it was wrong on some level I was completely uncomfortable and wished to never experience it again.. Whereas this past weekend I never felt as comfortable.. With that being said my mind began to race as it does when contacted with these situations and I realized that for the most part I avoid these situations purposely and asked her to understand that.. but instead it was pursued.. and my feelings were proved correct.. but at the same time I felt some type of way because of this whole need to prove to the world we arent together.. As long as I know and she knows why is there such a need to be so vehement about the subject.. almost like shes proving it to herself.. because i never ask or imply I want our friendship to change.. actually I dont even think I would know how to respond if I was asked for it to change.. Im so used to where we are now.. but Im beginning to question if its healthy.. my self esteem aside how can other match up if she plays such a large role in my life? if im so comfortable with her? why would i even begin to look when ready? and knowing that she has no reserves with doing "her thing" is my singlehood and continued silent role sending the wrong signal?.. whatever I just know at this point I find myself at some crossroad almost ready to cut another friend off because of a perceived need to grow separately.. later homes

train ramblings

So as usual I'm waiting for a train heading to that usual place of employment and realized after my last blog displaying my new interest in updating this thing I just stopped.. I'm not gonna lie I've found other outlets at getting my thoughts out while still maintaining social connections.. You can find me on twitter using my link twitter.com/mfdash.. Okayplayer boards the illcommunity.. And idealist.com.. Are all places I'm sharing my thoughts and what not so my whole reason for blogging has taken a back seat to the instant gratifaction that comes with conversing with people in live time.. I've also been on this whole get my ish together mission hoping that in the end it will make me a better option/person for the rest of the world to have/share/notice.. See I've always had this lack of confidence while maintaining a cheery outlook on my face in false extrovert personality.. But as I get older the want to be fake or apease people have dwindled to the place where I feel if you don't like me I like you less and could care less.. But today while on this crowded platform I went back to my usual standby of people watching.. Since its free for students this week the platform is more crowded than I would like with all these youngins heading for a night of debauchery in nyc.. So of course I'm judging different mofos and spouses/whatnots while looking at the regular commuters and noticing similar expressions of anoyance/disgust/and mingled intrigue.. Through these observations though I've noticed that my lack of confidence/game will lead me to be single for the rest of my life.. One of my twitter friends agreed that we are in the age of corny mofos with bad chics.. But this is an epidemic that needs to be studied.. I don't understand how this is happenning it makes even a cynic like me believe there is someone for everyone and at the end of the day all one may need is confidence because mofos is killing me right now

In Retrospect...

Like any kid born in the mid 80's Kid 'n Play were my idols.. I had the high top fade and said def as much as possible.. When I went to dance parties I even did the dance (you know the house party dance.. kick kick drop spin)... And as much as a nerd as I was I let Kid go when he spelled Dik wrong.. But I will not forgive Mr. Reid for this.. Saw this on Vh1 and then had to post after I saw it on Crunk and Disorderly .. Enjoy this mess and then relive the good old days directly below..

New Budden For that Ass

You know I love Joe Budden.. One of my favorite emcees.. well I got this gem from 2dopeboyz and decided to share with you people.. enjoy..


Edit Here goes Pt 2 this dude is nasty..

Its like Bronx tale or some shit...

What was it that Sonny said? You only get three women in your life.. I always knew for a fact that I had my first two before I was 21.. Over time I begin to realize even more so how much this has been true in my life as I meet the random skeezer and what not.. Granted there has been some good ones.. but the greats is a hard thing to forget.. The major problem is I am affected too deeply by books and movies and I begin to think and act as characters or authors tell me I should act in my love life.. and the biggest influence has been High Fidelity.. See Cusack has always been my boy.. but that movie/book helped me connect further with him in ways Ive never connected with anyone before.. The idea of being torn up over how relationships end, and the immense feeling of guilt that it was always your fault worked for me.. Actually it made me feel not alone.. Because in my late teen years that was the perception.. See it didnt help that both of the "Great Ones" seemed to find their Soulmate or whatever that means.. and Ive gone from two significant relationships in the course of 7 years to 10 girlfriends 5 jumpoffs and and 3 more than one dates.. not counting the many single dates and hookups.. in the three years since.. Its been weird to be a part of due to not understanding this dynamic and really trying to understand how this happened.. While still maintaining this thought that One of those Two Great Ones will end up being the Ultimate Great One.. Until I found this following quote that is..

I'll love you forever
'cause you'll know me better.
For the record
at one time would've married you in a second.
But killed the rekindling dreams
but navigate the friendship
or else
by the time the stress
air out we'll both be dead and friendless.

- Aesop Rock 11:35

See what Ive come to realize during my many High Fidelity escapades is this need to maintain friendships with these woman but by doing so Ive ruined them by not separating past feelings.. Ive come to understand this in so many ways.. Especially because both of them are less emotional than i am and seem to have been able to separate such feelings.. Even though one doesnt really talk to me (totally acceptable I did her dirty) and the other one plays on my emotions but whatever at least Im letting go... At least thats what I like to tell myself today..

Its Been a Long Time

Its been a minute since Ive last written.. Ive had a few reasons to why I fell off.. Ill share what I feel is important.. and the other reasons knock up to writers block..

1st - I wanted to separate my Personal Persona from the blog.. Ive been feeling some pressure because I am so open on the blog with my personal life.. This was started to get me away from that with Myspace and then I realized I was handing this address out like water.. See Im not worried about getting all these reads.. Im worried about offending people unnecessarily..

2nd - When I started this blog, I tried to start this as a place for me to vent about the relationship issues of dating in my area, a place to share my opinions and thoughts, and to pass my favorite music out.. Then I found forums.. Particularly Allhiphop, and Okay Player.. and realized that did the same function.. with more feed back..

3rd - Ive been busy.. for real.. new job.. changed back to job.. "interning".. and all that other jazz.. went back to classes full time.. and just said eff a blog.. no offense but this ish dont pay... and my time is money

With that said I know you're probably wondering why I came back.. What am I doing back if this "ish doesnt pay" and if im "sooo busy".. Well enough time has passed where Im comfortable being open again.. and also now I have the type of issues that I dont feel bad putting out there.. Also other people have started blogs that make me jealous because it reminded me of what I started this for..

So the future format of this blog is this..

1. Personal Stories
2. Music and Movies and ish I feel you should feel
3. Opinions
4. Things Im into

Yea this is the ultimate jerkoff for me.. Something all about me and what I like.. Whatever you dont have to read.. Enjoy Though..

My Stan Level has grown..

I'm Stanning so hard for Jay Electronica its sad.. I love this dude.. and really hope he ushers in that wave of emcees like nibiru

RADIOHEAD'S "HOUSE OF CARDS"

So I bought this shit back when it was on sale on the internet for like a dollar.. and just cataloged it as listen to soon.. Radiohead's In Rainbows.. is amazing.. This is currently my favorite song.. No back meanings, no cross posts just good music.. .. later homes

New Atmosphere... Tell me what you think?

I'm not sure how I feel about this.. I always like their music but sometimes I feel like that hater who never wants to see change.. As time goes on and I grow I change but most of the time I hope my favorites don't.. Its cool though.. This is just the precursor to the album thats on its way.. And not only that I will be seeing them at Webster Hall on the 20th.. So yea I guess this is considered Dope.. Atmosphere - Guarantees

later homes.. you know the rest

Wow This is Amazing

I've been on this Sublime kick ever since this past weekend.. And went looking on YouTube for the video to "Let's Go Get Stoned" and found this little gem...

Amazing right?.. Im not really into Betty Boop but she seems to have that FIRE for everyone.. Whatever you're looking for Betty Boop can provide...
Anyway here is the video I was looking for.. If you dont know Sublime is that shit..
...
The ultimate bored relationship song.. Where you're just looking for ways to get out.. And start saying eff this everything is wrong.. But you know its just you.. HAHA.. I'm out later homes.. On my Eric Benet Shit Fuck Everything..

New Roots...

New Roots courtesy of my new favorite site.. TheExactly.net.. Check that site out.. its real music and the dude that runs it seems to have great taste.. thats usually hard for me to say.. but for real. Anyway this shit right here is fire.. Im so excited for this album.. not only that but me and my homie Marsha are going to be seeing them on May 9th at Radio City with Erykah Badu and believe the Roots were made for Radio City.. The last two times there they tore the place down (its funny how quick they rebuilt it), anyway.. Check it out and tell me what you think and check out theexactly.net.. Later Homes.. by the way.. Hip hop is coming back hard it seems.. and for some reason Mark Ronson seems to be involved.. go figure..

Stole this from MickBoogie's Blog Spot

Apparently for the whole month of April MTV will be re-airing Yo MTV raps which excites me like no other.. This was one of my favorite shows as a young'en as the rest of you were rocking He Man I was getting this on.. I still remember being dumb young and confused with the Dr.Dre's.. Does anyone remember Who's the Man? and why has no one called Ed Lover with his hard talking self for his blonde doo back in the day.. Ha Whatever Later homes...

The Idea of Tomorrow is a false thought

"The future you have today wont be the same as the future you had tomorrow"

What are the true thoughts on fate and the consequences of all your actions.. When acting do think of how that may affect everything that may happen in the future of your life.. What are you doing to make your life better today so that tomorrow is on point?.. This is what I think of everyday when I wake up.. So as I fight through the bs and monotony of the every day struggle I realize its all for a greater cause.. to be the best that I can be.. to be the... thats right the black power ranger... later homes..

New Blu Video.. I love this song

I really like this picture.. I wish I put more of this up in my apt....

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Bringing Back my Childhood

Lazy mofos on escalators

I really love the way they portray this..

Big Mac.. This is Amazing

Creativity points for this one

Support the mother effing troops by bringing them home

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Enough Respect to this guy

Yea Nuff said.. you know the usual.. later homes

I dont know if its possible..

to be the most underestimated emcee in the game.. but this dude right here.. black thought.. yea this might be the thing right here

later homes.. you knowthe usual..

This is what I am saying

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Im in loveee

with a stripper...


Ok not really, quick story to hold people over until this massive blog I'm writing is done.. So I was on the PATH train the other day... Dead tired trying to study Mutual Funds.. and half dead when all of a sudden I smell a familiar smell something that I haven't smelt in a while... I have one of those effed up noses that when I smell something familiar it goes directly to my brain and I have to locate where I smelt the smell before.. So I begin to look around on the half empty train and immediately to my left is a lady probably mid thirties but looking right.. and I quickly put her as the source of the smell.. So as we reached Newark I made sure to walk a little closer just to get a second chance to recognize the smell.. (I am not creepy just obsessive).. So I finally I registered that the smell was important and meant something to me becoming an adult.. and then BAM I realized where I smelt it before.. When I was away my second year at my second school the doorman to the hotel where my dorms were took me to my first strip club.. And bought me my first lap dance.. and that smell was the smell of that special lady.. No lie I can remember her outfit and all.. These are important moments in the life of a young man.. and I can guarantee that most men can relate to this.. And on top of that most men have probably felt some kind of way for one of the beautiful ladies doing what they do.. If not I'm fine with being one of the only ones.. I will never forget that day, lady, or smell... later homes.. really on my eric benet shit fuck everything.. Check back for the major blog.. and please check godlovesuglybad.blogspot.com

This is Amazing.. You arent supposed to see ninjas..

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Cross Post.. Excitement and Purchasing Power

I will begin to start buying music again.. On a weekly basis or how I see fit.. There is so much good music coming that needs to be supported.. So I decided to put my money where my heart is.. Please join me.. I dont care if its digital or physical but lets start a good music revolution.. These record Exec Pricks only see in Dollars and Cents.. They Dont believe in the common sense.. Check these out and understand my excitement...



later homes on my eric benet shit fuck everything
Thanks for the support..

wow this is pimp...

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Really? This video is trash

Hot Trash.. the song is cool but Mood Music 3 disappointed.. honestly

This is Mother Fucking amazing

iN-PUBLiC | Melanie Einzig
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Myspace Cross Post.. Fuck a Holiday

Fuck a Valentine's Day.. Well not really I just thought that would get some attention.. I know its been a while but Ive been concentrating on the other site and doing life things.. By the way please check GOD LOVES UGLY I think its a pretty dope site and if you read this you may also.. Life has been pretty weird lately but good i feel like things have been working in my favor and turning around for me... Ive moved out of the roommate situation into my own situation and eventhough my landlord is shady my apartment is pretty dope.. My commute is less than my walk to the train station used to be and my neighborhood is dope.. It always smells like Portugese food... Ive stopped worrying about the past and have been concentrating on the future making plans to fulfill the dreams I had when I was younger while letting go of the childish fantasies and delusions that everything will work out the way I always thought it would.. See I think Ive entered my time of growth... That period in life where you start to shed the shit that held you back as a youth.. Ive stopped caring about the things I cant control or the people I cant touch bases with.. Its been rough trying to realize that some times you need to just let go but I guess you learn that.. Also my work situation is kind of crazy now.. I worked in the industry of music and realized quickly I dont belong there.. Not saying I couldnt make it there because I am currently doing quite well.. its just I realized aside from a few its the shadiest place Ive ever been.. With the shadiest people that ever existed.. Every one at some point is taking advantage of someone else and usually the ones with the talent end up getting the shortest end of the stick.. I remember thinking that the current downtrend in music is the artist fault for lack of creativity or lack of drive but I realized that the true artist have given up on this thing we call hip hop.. They have no chance of survival and to tell the truth I hope it crashes and burns.. That will be the only way they can revamp it.. Sometimes they say the cream rises to the top but in this case the cream is stomped and drained... Thats not even the major issue Ive encountered the major one is the fact that people cant leave the spotlight or leave their place when the light goes out.. You cant imagine the amount of "independents" hanging on based on the fact that they know someone famous or were down with some click... These people are usurping everything that is holy from music and continue to rob you of what we like to call artistry.. But at least there is an end in sight through the connections or whatever you want to call it I made at work I was offered an opportunity to learn from the best on Wall St. They are sponsoring me and putting me through the classes to help me along the way but its interesting how life works.. one day you are hoping for that change and the next day that change is there.. Ive never had the best of luck but it seems like time is changing.. Which brings me to my opening statement as much as things change a lot stays the same or worsens my mood for these holidays have become more reluctant to particapate and my need of someone to spend this ish with actually leads me to feel sick.. The person whos is my Valentine I was the last option.. (ehh yea i know) Im not offended but I realized that I didnt even know it was Valentines day until she called me complaining of not having one.. The ironic part is I asked her because she was the most logical choice.. Shes the only person I think I like enough to buy some bullshit for.. ( I probably sound horrible but realize its 514am and I have work at 12pm until tomorrow at this time so Im a little peeved Im awake..) Well anyway in closing I have some reccomendations for you.. Go see "There Will Be Blood" and "Persepolis".. saw the first one and was in awe of how awesome it was and how much it embodies American Greed and Capitalism and the second one Im looking for a theatre to see it this weekend being its one of my favorite books and something people who have any view on Iranians should see.. Dont believe what the media force feeds you... Do some research.. If at the end of this month in this leap year you are free on the 29th come to the showcase at Raprehersal in Philly... and check out some music.. I love Yesterdays String Quartet and Blu gotta run my boss is here... later homes... oh yea fuck a myspace.. fuck afacebook.. go outside..

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New Shit on My horizon

Blu - just another day

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Biggie and Mick Boogie!!!!!!!!!!!

To Me this was the best tribute album.. Boogie and Terry Urban's "Unbelievable"

One of my new Favorite songs...

This song is ill.. I imagine it playing when Im at work sometimes and then I play it...

I also like this song..

It reminds me of Poison

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Truck Bearing Kibble

Truck Bearing Kibble

Antonio Fernandez Astrophotography

Antonio Fernandez Astrophotography

Are you fucking my lady?

Haha probably... I tend to do that sometimes...

I guess Im addicted

This video is cool but kind of corny though... but more so the song is just .. yea..

A Fucking Complex.. Seriously?

I think Im starting to get a complex.. Well not one or two but maybe three... It all has to do with Hip Hop, Work, and Social Status.. See working in hip hop and entertainment you realize what money really is and looks like... See people dont mind flaunting it and showing that they have it.. Not only that most of the money I see is the younger crowd the ones who are really spending it... The colors I see, Patterns, and floss, its ridiculous.. And then there is me in the corner dressed in the same thing I wore last week working 80 hours a week and hoping the rip in my jeans and hoodie don't expand.. Seeing kids like Rich Hill and some dude Spot, Watching people your age with money and shit with things you never imagined.. Like actually seeing people with body guards and butlers.. Its hard to adjust.. Also you begin to feel your position and your place.. You begin to realize how far you really have to go in the world just to touch certain things.. Its gotten bad man.. See I grew up in NYC Shaolin to be exact and style was never a big thing we rocked jeans hoodies and vests.. timbs and lumberjacks.. We werent dirty but this color shit wasnt for us most of the people I know still dont do this whole thing so imagine my surprise as I'm walking down 5th ave and I catch myself at Lacoste buying an 85 dollar shirt thats some sky blue.. I feel like I lost my mind.. And I know this whole 80's baby thing has something to do with it but I feel as if that generation skipped me by.. I really dont get this style trend thats big now.. Nor do I understand where culture is going.. Sometimes I embrace this hipster movement but at other times I catch myself hoping that Duck Down blows again.. Or hoping that people even like Lupe disappear.. I guess in the end it all comes down to economics.. I grew up in a home where we couldnt afford this shit and was taught it was a waste of money when there was so much other shit to do with money.. We didnt spend 100 dollars on sneakers in a year let alone on a pair.. and we got clothes twice maybe three times per year.. School Clothes, Easter Clothes, and Christmas as we got older and wanted that instead of toys and games... We were taught to shop economically like more hoodies and long sleeve shirts than jeans.. Two pairs of sneakers a year a spring/summer white shoe, and a fall/winter black shoe... For some reason these lessons stuck with me.. I remember the first pair of sneakers I bought for over a hundred dollars a pair of flights like four years ago.. and believe me I still own them shits.. They are in my work locker now for when I go to the gym after work.. But I catch myself self conscious about my attire, about my frugal idea of what something should cost, and how much I am willing to spend on each.. Ive begun to understand the differences in fabrics, textures, and quality, but all that shit still only seems like a cut above what you can get at any retailer.. I dunno man maybe it jealousy, envy, want, or longing for that thing you wanted since being a child.. Never had a pair of Jordans so now when I see them I want to buy them but at the same time I remember that two kicks for 89 is a better deal.. This leads me to believe I will always be a social outcast, the one who doesnt make it because he'd rather go to Vegas then buy some new jeans... But I catch myself daily looking in the boutiques on the way to work waking in and browsing before running out in a fit of common sense.. I dunno maybe Im just not that guy maybe I wasnt meant to be this way.. I think this is what separates me from most in my generation.. Whereas I like Lupe I'd prefer Doom.. Im more of a backpacker.. Actually I never am without it, or my headphones, or my hoodie.. I dunno this is no disrespect to the flamboyant 80s babies out there, "The Cool Crowd".. I just realized I am a product of my borough, my parents, my economic situation.. If you remember the 90's WuTang flossed but not like the other boroughs we were the gritty poor borough..
later homes.. On My Eric Benet Shit

Craigs List is for the Devil

"Pull over theres a reason why my souls unsound... Its you"
Garden Grove by Sublime

You ever meet someone bad for you? probably so bad it kind of makes you feel good to be around them.. As you get closer you know that the probability of success or happiness dwindles but it makes you want them that much more.. Because it seems like the reward would be so much greater if success was met... If you caught that lightning in bottle and had one of those long crazy happy relationships.. I think thats what most people expect... As humans we crave that companionship.. But as selfish beings we are ok with searching for that perfect partner.. that perfect situation.. in the end most settle for the closest to it.. sometimes people find it.. but whatever moot points.. It just seems that in my life im drawn to the ones that are far from right or conventional..
This is just my thoughts on the day...



Saul Williams - Surrender

"Well, there're two ways I can say this. And one would be: fuck you! And there're no two ways around it, because one would be untrue. Because I love everything about you. But I don't want to be around you. If you control my heart will you control my brain? If I give in to you, will it still feel the same? 'Cause I want nothing more than to be here with you. If you fulfill my dreams, will that fulfill you too? I need a second. I need a second to think. Now, the other way to play this would be mellow, light, and, cool. Poetry and meditation. Higher ground and higher truth. Because I love everything about you. But I use everything to doubt you. If you control my heart will you control my brain? If I give in to you, will it still feel the same? 'Cause I want nothing more that to be here with you. If you fulfill my dreams, will that fulfill you too? I need a second. I need a second to think. I found the spot where truth echoes and know each beauty mark by heart. But I just can't keep her still enough to render perfect art. 'Cause the truth is ever changing and although she loves my touch, I've had my way, but I when I pray, she kisses back too much. And it's hard to feel real gangster when you're always getting kissed. But you jump at every pucker, 'cause your fear of getting dissed. I try not to fight the parts of me that want to kiss her back. Egos should be illegal. Mine just don't know how to act. He tells me I don't need her. I should walk this path alone. She's make believe. She's up my sleeve. I'd do better with a clone. But could it be? It seems to me that she's my other half. My inner-tarzan monkey girl, raised mainly by giraffes. And besides she makes me laugh. 'Cause deep down I think she's stupid. But deeper down, I'm just a clown starting bar room brawls with cupid, like, "Fuck that naked baby angel, yo! And gimme 2 more buttery nipples". And God just re-invents herself as ice-cubes in my ripple. "

I love this mofoking song for real

No Greater Love

What Im searching for in 08.. Something that will make me think of this song...

As People Ask Why I no longer chase love.. Why I choose my life of solitude.. Its Because I wish for shit like this... And honestly i dont remember being up at 5 just to get something off my chest.. My new Love song.. My new hope for 08.. haha

Do You Love Hip Hop?

As I ventured into the world of "Rap" "Hip Hop" or whatever you want to call it.. I wasnt naive nor did I have some illusion of automatic grandeur.. Ive grown up around it.. I studied it.. I lived it.. I always knew the industry was shady.. Tribe told me that.. I always knew the money wasnt forever.. Hammer told me that so did almost every other rapper.. But something I learned for myself was that the art as pop culture was dying.. Like any trend.. People get tired of the same shit over and over and end up moving on.. I never thought that hip hop was dead.. as Nas proclaimed.. but I did believe that we were beginning to reap what we sow.. People stopped caring about buying albums because they were always disappointed.. And when you can get something for free you arent as disappointed or mad about the purchase.. You really dont care.. You accept what you get and most of the time cherish it more because it was like a gift.. I remember when I first started downloading music it was mainly obscure singles that I loved and wanted for mixtapes.. and secret pleasure songs that I could never buy the album but secretly loved the songs.. case in point "Whats Your Fantasy" by Ludacris.. See I figured that I wasnt hurting the industry because I continued to buy artists that I loved music and continued to support the cause of "Real Hip Hop".. As time progressed I realized that I wasnt making a difference nor did it matter What I did.. Certain shit was selling despite how good it was or not.. Some things were selling based on the artist name and other shit was selling just based on I dunno.. I still dont understand how Country Grammar sold so much or why the St Lunatics are famous.. nor do I get the bling era of hip hop.. Where you had people say "they dont write rhymes they write checks".. But then I began to notice even the shit I loved began to fall off Tical 2001 or whatever was trash.. Nas everything after It was Written until Stillmatic.. I actually pretend those years dont exist.. I realized that as time went on the music became stale.. and everything new was overly catchy and just extremely stupid.. It was like the artists forgot that people had brains and loved hip hop more for the lyrics and beats than anything else.. No one cared about a hook or the nostalgia of a video game sample.. We loved Ready to Die because it was sample driven but in a way where you couldnt believe Biggie was rapping over Juicy Fruit.. But more so about what he was saying is what made us love it and want more of it.. As time progressed we seemed to stop caring.. We'd rather there be a back story to the song rather than the song tell a story.. And now we wonder where hip hop went.. We wonder why sales have dropped 21% in two years.. Why our "Major Stars" are doing Project Pat numbers and everything new is doing non existent numbers.. Cause People aint saying shit.. and the perception was always the ones who are saying something wont sell.. but how is it Talib Kweli sold Fifty Numbers as did Common.. Or, As much as this hurts to say this, Kanye outsold them all.. We are searching for growth for something different.. Its like this whole 80s movement "We want that old thing back.." But as we continue to blame the internet and the labels and economics.. We watch soljah boy sell 800,000 and Lupe push 150,000.. and we wonder where our souls went.. The NY Times did a great article thats been passed around to different people and commented on at length.. but to me this only tells half the story our culture and the path its on is telling the rest.. Because one last question.. Why were and are mixtapes never blamed for the death of hip hop? even though they essentially do what most downloaders do.. Why are they accepted as part of the culture rather than the demise? In my opinion.. Because we are a culture of Word of Mouth.. We like what everyone else likes.. We are a culture of belief.. We believe in new things and new artists.. The mixtape has always been that place to find it.. as the internet has been for most of this new generation.. and like the mixtape most people usually download their favorite ish and put it on their own playlist because everything else is wack from said album.. Just an observation I made when going through the old tapes...