Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Questioning ones own Lockdown
Soo this week alone Ive worked a total of 90 hours.. at first I thought this was the new motivated me.. The one who wants to buy a house.. who wants to own that Audi S5.. you know the go getta.. Ive been on that grind.. grinding.. and all that.. My amount of work hours this week had my boss remark "do you have a kid somewhere in need of child support?" ... nope.. I have goals.. I have a term bill to pay.. I have things to do.. Well thats what I thought.. I thought I was being an adult and working to reach some goal.. Working to improve myself.. Or something... Then Eric calls and asks to do something Sunday and my first response.. "Yea I'll take Monday off to chill I need a break.." WtF? So I decided to evaluate my whole work thing.. and realized I have been over compensating work for my loss of friends and this perceived slight I feel... Honestly.. Im not sure what happened.. I just know its been almost a week without talking to the two people I talked to more than anyone else and Ive found myself still questioning myself and those decisions.. But at the same time Ive taken advice I received and began to re evaluate my own thoughts and perceptions on this whole dynamic.. See a part of me sees me falling down this rabbit hole of self doubt.. and lack of self confidence.. thinking maybe I just wasnt good enough.. not established enough.. not there yet.. Standing in my house the other day talking to myself as i washed dishes and wondered aloud "what nerve I have to think that I should have what I want.. like i deserve it.." I see it in my reemergence of the health nut me.. the one who wonders how many credits I have left.. or when I will make more money.. or be better at games or some shit.. This where I am now feeling like I was rejected.. Which I guess in essence I was.. but what do I call what I did.. and also can one be rejected while explaining he was running away from something.. see the reason I run from most isnt out of fear of happiness as I once put it.. but out of fear of disappointment.. fear of not being good enough.. but like i said taking time to reflect and grow.. changing me to a better me.. so i can love you better.. now that I said that aloud it sounds worse than just running.. whatever.. wwjd?.. hed say "Lets Get It!" which really doesnt help.. so i guess i chose the Kanye route...
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It's not worth it (Lockdown).
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