Questioning ones own Lockdown

Soo this week alone Ive worked a total of 90 hours.. at first I thought this was the new motivated me.. The one who wants to buy a house.. who wants to own that Audi S5.. you know the go getta.. Ive been on that grind.. grinding.. and all that.. My amount of work hours this week had my boss remark "do you have a kid somewhere in need of child support?" ... nope.. I have goals.. I have a term bill to pay.. I have things to do.. Well thats what I thought.. I thought I was being an adult and working to reach some goal.. Working to improve myself.. Or something... Then Eric calls and asks to do something Sunday and my first response.. "Yea I'll take Monday off to chill I need a break.." WtF? So I decided to evaluate my whole work thing.. and realized I have been over compensating work for my loss of friends and this perceived slight I feel... Honestly.. Im not sure what happened.. I just know its been almost a week without talking to the two people I talked to more than anyone else and Ive found myself still questioning myself and those decisions.. But at the same time Ive taken advice I received and began to re evaluate my own thoughts and perceptions on this whole dynamic.. See a part of me sees me falling down this rabbit hole of self doubt.. and lack of self confidence.. thinking maybe I just wasnt good enough.. not established enough.. not there yet.. Standing in my house the other day talking to myself as i washed dishes and wondered aloud "what nerve I have to think that I should have what I want.. like i deserve it.." I see it in my reemergence of the health nut me.. the one who wonders how many credits I have left.. or when I will make more money.. or be better at games or some shit.. This where I am now feeling like I was rejected.. Which I guess in essence I was.. but what do I call what I did.. and also can one be rejected while explaining he was running away from something.. see the reason I run from most isnt out of fear of happiness as I once put it.. but out of fear of disappointment.. fear of not being good enough.. but like i said taking time to reflect and grow.. changing me to a better me.. so i can love you better.. now that I said that aloud it sounds worse than just running.. whatever.. wwjd?.. hed say "Lets Get It!" which really doesnt help.. so i guess i chose the Kanye route...

- Kanye West Lyrics

808's and Heartbreak..

If you wouldve asked me a year ago if i would be writing a blog in support of Kanye's 808's and Heartbreak album.. Id tell you you was crazy.. If you would have told me when I first got the album and listened to it twice that Id be coming back to it once a day almost, while telling myself I really like the concept.. Id tell you you lost your ever loving mind.. But over the last two weeks Ive listened to it like it was the Qoran.. Taking it in and memorizing it to become a hafez in it.. I love this album.. at least i keep telling myself i do.. When the concept first hit, I knew I would like the concept but couldnt buy into him singing it.. which I still cant.. but something else happened.. I find myself again alone.. not heartbroken.. but alone.. in the matter of three days Ive seemed to lose the two closest people to me.. to uncontrollable reasons.. the crazy thing is as far apart each person is to the next.. the reasons mirror each other.. friendships that were casualties of heartbreak.. Its so crazy though.. Because this isnt even three days into the new year and I find myself more alone today then i felt almost all of last year.. and its only going to get worse.. last year when I went through a similar issue my attention and thoughts were already being stolen by the other party in ways that made me feel whole again, so when I got back one of my closest confidants pre summer it felt that everything else was just a bonus.. the issue as always is that my inability to resolve anything and avoid confrontation has led to a re-up of the same stupid issues and thoughts.. so now im friendless with no end in sight.. this is without mention of the friends im losing to relationships, age, distance, and personal reflection on said friendships.. Is this part of getting old? or is there something more at play?.. Is this what those people who lived their mid twenties always refuse to tell you.. how sucky those years actually are.. how the same types of friendships you had in highschool and college fall by the waste side as you get older... how being "friends" usually means more for someone and not as much for the other.. I remember last year I questioned someones friendship with me because of her ability to walk away for her own sanity and now i see myself doing it while she does it again and now not only does one question her friendship but he questions his own.. and his fairness to her knowing what she was going through.. i dont even know why i posted this here and probably will regret this in the morning but for now.. Welcome to Heartbreak...... (kinda)

Happy New Nothing?

I guess its been established already 3 hours 56 minutes into the new year and I broke my major resolution already.its not like I tried to do it.. These things kind of happen..flashback
Sitting in Girl a's house with her family at 1130 girl a's sister asks me what my new years resolution is: I respond "to build healthy and fruitful relationships while eliminating all the rest" girl a's sister laughs and asks me does that mean the end of me and girl a's friendship..
That wasn't what I was getting at but honestly our friendship is the epitome of everything that isn't my nyr.. And I know this and yet I'm there.. But instead as always I shrug it off and argue the merits of a friendship that increasingly gets harder.. Fast forward the 3 hours we are laying on her couch with her legs in between mine (not in that way) and I wonder how I got here.. How I continuosly let myself get sucked in.. Questioning and wondering if this is what I really want.. Was talking this over with jeff this morn about how his and my sisters relationship left me with unfillable expectations of love and life and what to expect of myself.. I've recently found myself searching for relationships to fill some void that I felt was left in my life.. I dunno if I felt like a failure or what it was but I was going through the issues one has when wanting of something.. But this morn I was resolute about it all being mind games and my self concious and how this idea and why I keep running from relationships was their fault and not my own.. Then its 358 am and I'm laying here telling myself this is the future.. This makes sense? When knowing it doesn't.. When knowing its all for show for now.. And when time passes ill continue to not be the one or whatever it is that we are looking for these days.. While I continue to make excuses and blame others of why I'm not in a relationship and why I keep unhealthy ones around.. Ill keep making resolutions to change.. Knowing I never will.. (Have ..)

Lyrics:

Sleeping by yourself at night can make you feel alone
Your girlfriend said so but I don't really know
That don't mean we fucked around
That night last week when you left town

Was tweakin' by myself one night, that's when I wrote this tune
Didn't have no need for that bed in my hotel room
Sometimes right now since I've left the pen
Feels like I'm right back there again

Sometimes I pray
Waiting, waiting for some bright holiday
So I bought myself a gun
And I'm right back, right back where I'm from

Sleeping by yourself at night can make you feel alone
My girfriend said so, she's a little ho
That don't mean I fuck around
I like to keep that higher ground

Sometimes I pray
Waiting, waiting for some bright holiday
So I bought myself a gun
And I'm right back, right back where I'm from

Ohhh, don't tease me
Ohhh, don't tease me
Don't tease me, ohhh

Sometimes I pray
Waiting, waiting for some bright holiday
So I bought myself a gun
And I'm right back, right back where I'm from

So Ive had this song in my head for a few weeks now.. well mainly the first four lines.. I really like this song but love the pointed nature of it.. As this year has progressed I found myself growing up and going through that whole "maybe I'm an adult now" phase.. Looking around wanting new things.. different things.. So recently Ive been talking myself into opening up and being more accessible.. I dont know if it will work but I needed to get this song down on record.. Ill write later...

College Musings...

I blame the tone of this blog on Radiohead.. a long morning on the treadmill.. and not sleeping for more than an hour in 24.. (you've been warned).. Lets start with a song..


So you thought I would lead with something like "Creep" or something of that nature but no.. This song makes perfect sense for the meaning of this blog.. Lets see if you can keep up.. This morning while taking the Express bus across campus I found myself listening to Radiohead.. Which isnt new since I decided I wanted to hear their whole catalog this morning.. Ive been back into this whole running thing and when I run I listen to harder and faster music.. Todays choice was Nirvana - In Utero.. So as I was leaving the gym I needed something to relax me and made the mistake of choosing this Radiohead Catalog.. Its not that it isnt good or relaxing.. The issue is.. Its kind of depressing.. Well anyway.. I was on the bus and watched as a group of students started discussing class and their sororities/frats and the different events of the weekend.. I watched with much interest because they were all non-traditional students like myself and yet still find themselves immersed in this college lifestyle.. I found myself feeling even more gloomy than the overcast that I was staring out into.. Dont get me wrong I dont find myself to be frat material but I feel like Im missing the point of college.. I feel like my ability to make friends has diminished and I feel myself talking less everyday.. See most people think you learn everything in the classroom while at school but in my humble opinion that is not true.. The most valuable lessons seem to be learned with your peers.. The discussions, The experiences, The stories.. And yet here I am looking at a graduation date with none of that to show for this long and stressful journey.. Ive made a few friends along the way but I may end up knowing two of the five for the rest of my life.. I just feel like this all may have been the biggest waste of time and money.. But then again I realize that I chose this lifestyle and for the most part caused this whole anti social movement.. It may have been this past weekend but I feel like Im growing in weird directions.. and its not really helpful.. Whatever as Thom Yorke would say.. "I do it to myself.."

Zack and Miri Make a Porno, while making me think...

So its been awhile since Ive last written and it usually goes like that.. A complete rush of posts then I get burnt out and all writer's blocked.. but today I saw something that made me write.. I went to see the new Kevin Smith movie... "Zack and Miri make a Porno.." It was pretty dope and funny, if you have the time and money you should definitely check it out.. It was outrageous to say the least and if you are faint at heart or ultra conservative it may leave you feeling uncomfortable.. but this isnt a review now is it?..
The reason I am writing about this movie was the experience of seeing it.. See I am a moviegoer.. I go often and usually with someone but it seems that lately Ive been rocking by myself.. And not out of lack of partner.. just because sometimes you just want to get lost by yourself.. and thats what movies for the most part do.. you get lost into someone else's life, problems, fantasies, desires.. and so on.. for those two hours (usually) you're no longer you, you're you watching someone else be something else.. Whatever your problems or thoughts are, are usually forgotten while you enjoy not thinking.. But todays movie was more of a test of wills.. I never thought a kevin smith movie about pornos would be so dateish.. and never did i think i would wish someone would be with me.. I always catch myself trying not to conform into this whole relationship crowd.. but find myself in that crowd.. the issue with zack and miri was the same issue ive been having.. "the whole friendships and being platonic." because as i was watching that movie i couldnt help but to think of "the friend" and how much she may have enjoyed that movie.. even though she wanted nothing to do with seeing it.. and also wondering if she would get why it would have been awkward.. but at the same time I was glad she wasnt there because it would have further sent the wrong idea of intentions to her and somehow i would have been self conscious about her thinking i knew the plot and set it up.. see i wish i would have known the plot but i didnt.. i have this strict belief in never reading reviews before seeing a movie.. ever since i saw movies i hated loved by critics and movies i loved hated by critics.. i feel the same way about movies that i feel about everything else in life.. form your own idea.. never be swayed.. youll end up losing out in the end.. i was gonna write more but that seems like a good enough ending.. later homes

God Doesnt Love.. Nor Do I?

When I was in high school I remember reading and acting out Julius Ceaser for English class.. Of the Shakespearean classics that was my favorite to read.. The Leonardo Dicaprio led Romeo and Juliet was my favorite film adaptation with Ten Things I Hate About You coming in a close second.. The reason I have such an affinity for Julius Ceaser was the character of Brutus... He is one of my favorite literary characters of all times.. And he introduced me to a lifestyle that at the time I was already following but now i had a reason to... I learned what a stoic was and why it was important to be one.. See Brutus never let his emotions get the best of him.. always acting out in the cause of the greater good no matter how it may have affected him personally... As a child I learned this lesson the hard way.. Growing up with my mom, emotions were taught to be a good thing, she would instill in me the ability to show how I feel and to express that, but after moving in with my dad things changed.. I learned that emotions really didnt have a place in this new world.. and being overly emotional usually had negative results rather than the ones that helped bring about change.. since the time i was 9 i can count on two hands the amount of times i even came close to shedding tears from either happiness or sadness.. You just learn that it isnt worth it.. As I grew older I began to wearing this poker face no matter what.. It was best for my situation and it helped me be the cool head in many a hot situations.. Have I lost control over the last 15 years? Of course.. but Ive learned a valuable lesson each time.. Sometimes this can come off as cool, calculating, non emotional, and whatever else.. but for the most part it doesnt come off as anything at all because people get used to you not having any kind of emotion at all... In this current relationship model I sometimes wonder if its a hinderence or a plus.. I catch myself no matter what i think falling back and letting the situation dictate my mood.. but recently ive been told it comes off as non-interest or a calculating way of getting some proverbial upper hand in dating.. when in all honesty i just never know how to respond and when i do i think deeply about the whole idea of it... I just feel like as we get older this whole dating thing should be done with more responsibility then the average decision.. and if i feel that way about dating it carries into my everyday life... Whatever.. I dont know why I keep writing about dating when for the most part i describe myself as "not really looking but looking".. I find myself intrigued and wishful but with this whole idea that so much is needed that i may not have the ability to do it... I feel like if it happens it happens but for the most part.. it is what it is.. later homes

Ready?

Anyone who knows me in anyway knows for the last year or so Ive been on some type of romantic hiatus.. basically Ive been trying to go along without getting emotionally involved.. Over the last few years relationships have been weird and Ive tried to avoid them like a plague.. A part of me was caught up in the past and another part of me was kind of fearful that I was leaving the old me behind and beginning something that will change me again.. After the fire of the major breakup it took a while for me to understand who i was and what I wanted.. I felt the need to figure that out and along the way became someone completely different than I ever was.. I was happy with that.. Almost enjoyed this new independence.. I found myself happy to be on my own way.. Not really thinking about others while building a life built around me.. Ive realized as you build relationships your life begins to plan for two rather than one.. You begin to act as if there is an understanding that there is a future and it includes two.. You make sacrifices, and you make agreements.. For the most part these agreements are things you may not have made while not in a relationship.. these decisions are the types that impact your life and future forever and being the back to the future fan I am I never wanted to make the "sports almanac" mistake again.. See I thought I was alone in this quest and thought my life in sin was something only I was doing in my own secret world.. Until recently someone sent me a NYTimes article written by some guy going to USC talking about the end of the relationship especially in the young adult crowd.. He talked about time, effort, availability, and desire as reasons the age of the college /young profesional relationship began to die.. He mentioned the loss of the desire to date and more of the same talk why would you if you can just hang out at the house.. As I read his article I began to realize that this was my idea of why I wouldn't get into anything.. Why I was fearful of starting something new.. Everything I was looking for at the time was being provided without the commitment of a relationship.. The issue now is as I've gotten older and my priorities continue to change and mature I find myself wanting more of a companion than a friend.. This all plays into my whole friend dynamic with the male and female.. As I begin to evolve so do my motives and my options of course as a youngin you want those female friends to chill with but as you get older you always want more.. The issue with me now is Do I think I'm ready and if I am have I found that new understanding with myself.. I catch myself wanting what I've seen so many of my friends decide and wondering if its for me and if I'm making the right choices.. Because a year ago I couldn't imagine wanting to take my groups ski trip with someone else or wanting to make plans with someone for the holidays but now I find myself wanting all that and more.. Is this that point where the old heads tell you you're maturing or is this me falling into the trappings of a duel society.. I have no idea but I know that as of now I'm quite intrigued.. Later homes..

Question?

Someone asked me recently " how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?" I said I don't know I guess as long as it takes I'll know when I get there... They responded it takes 3... Is that truthful?

Forever? (stolen from my personal journal 1/1/08)

So how long is forever anyway? I mean seriously when we say forever do we really mean forever? Because just recently I saw someone I havent seen in forever.. but if that was true that would have meant I never actually seen them right? So when we promise others to love them or what not and we say forever do we really mean it? And if we do, do we know what we are getting ourselves into.. Ive been wrestling with this idea for some time now.. This whole concept of time and commitment and if my soul can cash checks my body isnt ready to handle.. But sometimes I question if thats the whole idea of love.. the whole concept of forever.. and when you say forever its truly supposed to be forever.. see a man like me doesnt believe in love, or the whole forever idea.. because i think everything has a time limit and everyone has the right to change their mind.. but this whole torch of mine is starting to get a little heavy.. I have a torch with the magical words of forever etched in it wrapped in gold.. I feel like Ive been holding this torch for a little over seven years now.. and for the first half of those seven years it was as bright as it can be.. something for the whole world to feel and see.. I held it high and proud.. never tired of it.. never trading it in.. as time went on the torch began to dim but words began to stick out more.. as i try to replace said torch.. with torches from the north.. torches from the islands.. torches from the ivy's.. torches from the past.. I find myself continuing this process of carrying something I no longer want to hold.. but my soul seemed to have made a promise to carry it forever no matter what.. this torch seems to have been nothing but a downfall.. an inhibitor of everything new, fresh, clean, and fun.. When I get the new torches I would always compare them to the one I can't let go.. and at some point I always choose to stick with whats old.. See for the most part my body and mind says let it go.. youre holding it alone.. but my soul responds with words about promises and keeping them and thoughts about re-living them.. see my soul is the illogical part of me.. the one that if it was possible would believe in santa clause, and the easter bunny, and what not... my mind and body is logical and believes in the physical concept of new things, wants, desires, smells, and feelings. my body and mind are also the ones dealing with calcium build up in my arm from holding said torch and all that comes with it.. but my soul refuses to give up.. refuses to let go.. sometimes i feel like its refusing to let me grow.. I really need to find a way to give up.. let it go.. move on.. this cant be like this forever right? see and there goes that word forever again.. and the implications the word holds when used with its full meaning.. I sometimes think forever should be seen as a negative.. a word only used when your time is up.. like the two people in that movie.. you know the one.. as they lay there staring down their fate.. only then should one say i will love you forever.. because in all honesty thats the only time its possible..

This what Im labeled as

Your result for Howard Gardner's Eight Types of Intelligence Test...

Intrapersonal

12% Logical, 25% Spatial, 47% Linguistic, 51% Intrapersonal, 24% Interpersonal, 35% Musical, 25% Bodily-Kinesthetic and 10% Naturalistic!

"This area has to do with introspective and self-reflective capacities. Those who are strongest in this intelligence are typically introverts and prefer to work alone. They are usually highly self-aware and capable of understanding their own emotions, goals and motivations. They often have an affinity for thought-based pursuits such as philosophy. They learn best when allowed to concentrate on the subject by themselves. There is often a high level of perfectionism associated with this intelligence.

Careers which suit those with this intelligence include philosophers, psychologists, theologians, writers and scientists." (Wikipedia)

Take Howard Gardner's Eight Types of Intelligence Test at HelloQuizzy

Its so hard in the D...

saw this on Sickamore's blog and decided to jack it.. (whatever he jacked it as well..) My whole thing is this is more for me.. being I actually write about people.. consistently.. Recently I've been trying to go back to my old standby of being vague and discretionary.. But Im about to start putting people on blast.. just because im bored..

Music is my anti-drug..

A couple of things said about me or stories Ive been involved with recently that may prove music may play too much a role in my life...

"If I never hear you and Jeff talk about music or fantasy football again It wont be long enough"

- A frequent standby while I'm talking to Jeff

Walked into an exam this past Saturday and sat down to take it.. Finished said exam and handed it in.. Walked out of the exam and saw a friend sitting by the wall.. She looks at me and rolls her eyes i ask what and she begins to talk.. nothing.. but her mouth is moving.. then it hits.. never took my headphones off...

Began re-listening to my favorite emcee's whole album catalogue in succession so I can better get a feel for how great he is..

Someone I never met in person said the following of me.MFDash (4:37:04 AM): i dont think i expressed this but music runs my life
nee23 (4:37:19 AM): That's obvious
MFDash (4:37:35 AM): i was late for a meeting in the library today so i could set a playlist for my shower and my bike ride there and back
MFDash (4:38:25 AM): why is that obvious
MFDash (4:38:26 AM): ?
nee23 (4:38:49 AM): lol. it happens
nee23 (4:39:03 AM): and anyone with sense can tell music is a huge part of your life
nee23 (4:39:10 AM): or anyone who can read for that matter
nee23 (4:39:30 AM): headphones are like a hat for you
nee23 (4:39:34 AM): right?
MFDash (4:39:42 AM): yea basically
nee23 (4:39:43 AM): without it you feel odd
MFDash (4:39:52 AM): one of my friends call them skin
nee23 (4:39:59 AM): yea
nee23 (4:40:02 AM): appendix
(yes that inspired this post)

Finally while waiting for W to start today I left the theater to discuss the different rhyming patterns of certain emcees and their ability to ride a beat..

Sometimes I think I may need a life...

thats right music is my life...

by the way this is my new theme song..


later homes

Why do Ladies love Fancy Clowns

George W. Bush inspired me today..

So I saw the Bush movie today by Oliver Stone.. and oddly enough I left feeling differently about our 43rd president than I did going in.. Im still not a big fan.. but if the movies depiction of him is anywhere near spot on.. I admire his determination.. There is a piece of me that admires that trait in people... I dont know why but I always question my own determination.. as hard as i work i question if im working as hard as I should be.. Well anyway while watching the movie I began to notice my slack off from goals Ive set for myself this year.. Even though I am reaching some there are others that once reached Ive kind of left alone.. Which as depressed me.. I like to talk this big game about whats important and what I want but in the end I feel like Im not doing enough.. So like any 5 year old I realized I needed to begin to reward myself.. haha.. I dont mean just begin rewarding myself.. Im talking about setting goals with levels and rewarding myself only when completed.. To add dedication.. See I see the issue of being in full control of rewards and methods.. but ive discovered a way around that.. google calendar.. each day I will knock off if I completed a goal and let google decide if I get a reward.. Ive randomly selected days as my turning point days.. Like one of my goals is to shave two minutes off my mile run.. So if by a certain date I dont do it I wont be able to buy myself Civilization 4 for Xbox 360.. yea this all seems trivial and the fact is i shouldnt need a reward to complete these goals but you know what.. I like this method.. and will try it out.. overall though these are all goals that i think will make me a better person which is a reward and a goal all in one.. I dont know this blog is really random and badly constructed but i needed to conceptualize this idea before starting... It was a goal for the day.. haha.. no reward though.. boo.. anyway.. enjoy the next blog? haha later homes..