Chic I'm AMAZING

Sometimes I just wanna play this song for some of you fools.. Cause yea I'm Amazing lol.. I love this song for real for real

She be callin my name..

An official video from the second best rapper in NJ.. We all know that Redman is.. sorry @mousebudden!.. But I love this joint.. Not for you youngin's though.. Enjoy at your own risk.. "She be calling my name".. Yea it does remind me of Poison.. but whatever.. enjoy..

Her Favorite Colo(u)r Isn't Blu

Late Pass my ass I had this since he posted it on his website but now Im presenting it to you people.. I love this jawn.. Enjoy

Here's the download link if you want it.. but we all know those don't last so here is the tracks for your pleasure..

Blu- HerfavoriteColo(u)r

Ok.. you have proved your point...

Youre not who you say you are.. You're different.. Blah blah blah...

Watch Where you Step

There may be a bat looking to knock you the F*ck out...



This has been one of those illuminating weeks and hopefully I learned some type of lesson.. But who knows.. I can never see anything..

Quit Being a......

CLICK THE LINK TO SEE THE WHOLE COMIC THEN CLICK BACK

So I found this little webgem recently while Stumbling the recent faves of my friends and began to laugh out loud on how thats what my step mom used to say about things like that.. But recently I came to the realization that I need to take this advice more often than not.. I havent been in a fight in years so this is clearly not a post about physical violence and me punking out.. But Ive realized that my nonchalance has led to me not being as ballsy as I should be.. Ive reached a point in life where I dont care enough to take risks that may lead to failure Im not ready for... That previous sentence has been my explanation why I dont takes certain chances in : relationships, careers, money, and so on.. I recently told this to a few people in my life and they all agreed I'm just a punk..
Today after seeing Observe and Report I found myself walking through times square running to my train.. Since its the beginning of the Easter Holidays It was crowded with youngins running game and eye balling any lady walking through.. I admired them at this time, their youth, and game... One in particular really caught me off guard.. Im walking alongside a group of women who were all conversing amongst eachother when a group of these youngins cut between me and the ladies.. and one brazen one took one of the ladies by the arm and just starts spitting game.. I caught myself double taking and watching this for a second thinking how dope and stupid that was.. I just wish I was able to do such things and rock with such confidence.. Heres what my ideal spit would sound like..
Enjoy.. Later homes

I want to go through a personal revolution..

The Above Picture was my desktop picture for like six months.. Its a picture of the riots in Greece, during their recent social uprisings...

Recently I've been on this Graphic Novel kick and really into reading Alan Moore and Frank Miller.. I guess it started with my finding of Watchmen through this kid in class a few years back.. These books seem to all have a central theme of morality and the lack of it in todays world.. The idea of self social revolution is such a central theme its kind of feeding in to my "Truman Show" beliefs.. I always wanted to be a part of a violent uprising.. As read before I have this need to be apart of something special.. And with the way the world is going I would just like to be a part of when it all comes down.. And then see it as we figure how to build it back up.. And most of the time I realize I need to want that for myself.. I feel like Ive conformed a lot more than I ever wanted to.. And as I get more comfortable with myself I see the changes necessary to be able to run through all this.. I just need to complete them..

Never Thought I'd Post Something

Diddy recommended but this is pretty fresh.. I believe they are Chester French...



I hope you enjoy.. I think Ill be doing more music posts for a while and straying from my personal life as i get ish together

Blind Dating and the Such...

So as stated before Ive been trying this whole dating thing out.. Ive tried to be about not dating and living my life.. but I always find myself running back through this whole need of being with someone... While the most prudent thing for me right now is to focus on my future and all it has to offer.. I find myself wanting more and settling for less to pursue some pipe dream of love and happiness.. Case in point I was recently going through my old myspace blogs saying goodbye to them as I prepare to delete that page and came across this list... See if you follow.. this is the blog in its entirety..

Ok stop if you read something like this from me before.. stop now.. if youre tired of the usual this is no different than the other 211 blogs.. just a new way a new thought.. a new medium... youre still here? whatever dont say I didnt warn you.. maybe youre a glutton to observe the punishment i put myself through if so youre pretty sadistic...you may not even have to read anymore..
Still here Wow.. ok here we go..
In Search of...
Female..
between the ages of 23- 25
fun
smart
cool
music enthusiast
club enthusiast
Reads a book lets say once a month (on your own)
Knows the pros of headphones
knows way around nyc
late night party head
sarcastic
strong
spontaneous
can name more than one sublime song
can name more than one tool song
can name more than one wu tang song
can tell me the elements of hip hop
can lose herself in movies
understands why the deejay is god
knows who slug is
wants to see fiji
wants to see the pyramids
wants to be at ministry of sound
knows that a good sound system can make any night
can drink and not embarrass them self
can hold one self in a conversation
can adopt to the world around them
can accept others
can understand silence
can understand nonchalance
can understand awkward
can count to ten in another language
can laugh at oneself
I swear thats all i want.. But I realize she may not exist.. Ive been trying this whole dating thing recently and find myself.. hmm looking for word.. still looking.. bored.. maybe the word is thrown off... As Im settling into life I find myself looking for someone to spend time with..(preferably noone I know.. Im just not into them) Really just have fun with and the experiences have led me to believe that solitude is an awesome plan.. I swear I dont get the female species and as much as I think I do I find myself more and more puzzled... as the days go on I realize I have more female friends than I can count... and I seem to be their voice for opinion and advice.. but yet.. I dont get it.. I dont understand anyone.. Like you dont expect everything to work.. be good or what not.. but when your cautious about your decisions.. when you take the time to choose the right ways to go about things.. you feel its a better chance.. Whatever Im kind of done again.. I need to focus on other things or something.. I just find it funny how unappealing my personality can be.. You just never want to settle.. Im sorry this is random not thought out.. kind of all over the place.. and kind of vague.. kind of shot taking.. kind of impressive.. kind of one sided... kind of done..
Tolstoy said "If you want to be happy then be happy" I say I have two words to say to you and they just might be "Fuck you"

And since this blog was a year ago you would think it may have changed.. but it hasnt.. at the time it may have been written with a certain someone in mind but now I realize that my wants have not changed but intensified while still feeling like I dont want anything..
See but my issue is that I still find myself checking out the websites, and throwing my hat in the ring because maybe one day I will find above girl and we would connect and life will be like the movies and such.. But what Ive learned is that online personas are never the same as real life personas.. and the connection people who only deal within the online realm is starting to take over what a true relationship is actually about.. recently conversating with someone about a dating experience she had.. she mentioned how she met dude online.. and he took it real slow and precise.. finally they meet after long late convos and the such and really feeling like she knew dude.. once she met him he was standoffish and kind of played his role and left.. the date wasnt bad but wasnt what she expected.. i laughed and tried to explain that people are forgetting that no matter how well you know someone or perceive to know someone online.. that first date is even more blind than being introduced by friends.. the online affairs lead to expectations that are rarely met and most often unrealistic.. most assume a relationship before they even truly know anyone.. i dont know but its all been weird and i find myself laughing at the pace.. Like even now I catch myself often thinking wow shes cool I like her.. we connect.. and all this crazy logic talk I speak gets thrown to the window.. where as I really need to learn to take it even slower and really get to know what Im getting myself into.. Recently when out on a walk around date I was talking to someone I met in these mean streets of the internet and she was explaining her advice she gave to a young co-worker about dating.. and how she said that "if shes single, looking, no kids, no real accomplishments, and so on, why are you wasting your time? something is obviously wrong" I thought about that the whole time, it kept coming back to me while we had coffee and reminded me of all the bad dating experiences Ive had... and that became my new checklist.. Because too often you are finding the ones that wont even make that checklist let alone my view of my soulmate.. I dunno it is what it is.. dont mind my relationship rambling.. im just lost in this thing we call "the search for love"

The Inevitable Was Bound to Happen..

So recently I saw this movie called "I'm Through With White Girls" through my brand new greatest invention that is Netflix Instant Access.. and found my new love.. Her name is Lia Johnson I am quite fond of her.. and for the first time in years I found someone to take the place of the beautiful Lisa Bonet in High Fidelity.. See I'm not all that into Lisa Bonet "the person" but in all honesty I was in love with the idea of this lisa bonet..
I just have this weird thing for ladies with quirks and dreads.. not only that but when they are artistic I like them even more.. I have this whole obsession with wanting to be part of something.. Especially with my ladies.. A lot of it is my self centered.. Seemingly middle child/only child syndrome.. This whole I want to effect an artists life so much they need to write about me, sing about me, or draw about me.. This whole idea of feeling appreciated and having a presence in something that clearly was before me and probably will be better after me.. I think thats a bigger part of my dream though.. The breakup manifesto.. So while watching this movie all i could imagine was that I was him and when that ended there will be a book about me, well not about me per se.. but a book written in the aftermath of me.. Self centered I know.. but whatever..

Be My Valentine Charlie Brown

Note : This Post was written while watching said movie mid way through if it ends happy I'm pissed, and disregard..

Note : I turned the channel and forgot I wasn't recording and now don't know how it ends.. so guess what? in my mind.. ended sadly

So one of my least favorite holidays is right down the street and in today's sad economic times the amount of commercials and such have been pretty scaled back.. But you still know its coming.. There are small hints here and there.. Forums mention it, the hallmark store, and you know that kind of stuff... For the most part yearly I skip this holiday, i boycott the movies, the shows, and the music. I just don't want to give in to a day meant to make you spend money, and act like you love someone more that day more than the day before.. I just don't get it... Actually Valentines day makes me like people less.. Because this whole holiday just seems so one-sided and contrived.. Its become less about the partner but how you show your affection through gifts and what not.. but what do i get out of such actions.. higher expectations for next year, and so on... So if we date or have any intentions on such.. For now on I'm boycotting this B.S holiday... Its nothing but false expectations and broken hearts.. (i swear im not bitter)

Questioning ones own Lockdown

Soo this week alone Ive worked a total of 90 hours.. at first I thought this was the new motivated me.. The one who wants to buy a house.. who wants to own that Audi S5.. you know the go getta.. Ive been on that grind.. grinding.. and all that.. My amount of work hours this week had my boss remark "do you have a kid somewhere in need of child support?" ... nope.. I have goals.. I have a term bill to pay.. I have things to do.. Well thats what I thought.. I thought I was being an adult and working to reach some goal.. Working to improve myself.. Or something... Then Eric calls and asks to do something Sunday and my first response.. "Yea I'll take Monday off to chill I need a break.." WtF? So I decided to evaluate my whole work thing.. and realized I have been over compensating work for my loss of friends and this perceived slight I feel... Honestly.. Im not sure what happened.. I just know its been almost a week without talking to the two people I talked to more than anyone else and Ive found myself still questioning myself and those decisions.. But at the same time Ive taken advice I received and began to re evaluate my own thoughts and perceptions on this whole dynamic.. See a part of me sees me falling down this rabbit hole of self doubt.. and lack of self confidence.. thinking maybe I just wasnt good enough.. not established enough.. not there yet.. Standing in my house the other day talking to myself as i washed dishes and wondered aloud "what nerve I have to think that I should have what I want.. like i deserve it.." I see it in my reemergence of the health nut me.. the one who wonders how many credits I have left.. or when I will make more money.. or be better at games or some shit.. This where I am now feeling like I was rejected.. Which I guess in essence I was.. but what do I call what I did.. and also can one be rejected while explaining he was running away from something.. see the reason I run from most isnt out of fear of happiness as I once put it.. but out of fear of disappointment.. fear of not being good enough.. but like i said taking time to reflect and grow.. changing me to a better me.. so i can love you better.. now that I said that aloud it sounds worse than just running.. whatever.. wwjd?.. hed say "Lets Get It!" which really doesnt help.. so i guess i chose the Kanye route...

- Kanye West Lyrics

808's and Heartbreak..

If you wouldve asked me a year ago if i would be writing a blog in support of Kanye's 808's and Heartbreak album.. Id tell you you was crazy.. If you would have told me when I first got the album and listened to it twice that Id be coming back to it once a day almost, while telling myself I really like the concept.. Id tell you you lost your ever loving mind.. But over the last two weeks Ive listened to it like it was the Qoran.. Taking it in and memorizing it to become a hafez in it.. I love this album.. at least i keep telling myself i do.. When the concept first hit, I knew I would like the concept but couldnt buy into him singing it.. which I still cant.. but something else happened.. I find myself again alone.. not heartbroken.. but alone.. in the matter of three days Ive seemed to lose the two closest people to me.. to uncontrollable reasons.. the crazy thing is as far apart each person is to the next.. the reasons mirror each other.. friendships that were casualties of heartbreak.. Its so crazy though.. Because this isnt even three days into the new year and I find myself more alone today then i felt almost all of last year.. and its only going to get worse.. last year when I went through a similar issue my attention and thoughts were already being stolen by the other party in ways that made me feel whole again, so when I got back one of my closest confidants pre summer it felt that everything else was just a bonus.. the issue as always is that my inability to resolve anything and avoid confrontation has led to a re-up of the same stupid issues and thoughts.. so now im friendless with no end in sight.. this is without mention of the friends im losing to relationships, age, distance, and personal reflection on said friendships.. Is this part of getting old? or is there something more at play?.. Is this what those people who lived their mid twenties always refuse to tell you.. how sucky those years actually are.. how the same types of friendships you had in highschool and college fall by the waste side as you get older... how being "friends" usually means more for someone and not as much for the other.. I remember last year I questioned someones friendship with me because of her ability to walk away for her own sanity and now i see myself doing it while she does it again and now not only does one question her friendship but he questions his own.. and his fairness to her knowing what she was going through.. i dont even know why i posted this here and probably will regret this in the morning but for now.. Welcome to Heartbreak...... (kinda)

Happy New Nothing?

I guess its been established already 3 hours 56 minutes into the new year and I broke my major resolution already.its not like I tried to do it.. These things kind of happen..flashback
Sitting in Girl a's house with her family at 1130 girl a's sister asks me what my new years resolution is: I respond "to build healthy and fruitful relationships while eliminating all the rest" girl a's sister laughs and asks me does that mean the end of me and girl a's friendship..
That wasn't what I was getting at but honestly our friendship is the epitome of everything that isn't my nyr.. And I know this and yet I'm there.. But instead as always I shrug it off and argue the merits of a friendship that increasingly gets harder.. Fast forward the 3 hours we are laying on her couch with her legs in between mine (not in that way) and I wonder how I got here.. How I continuosly let myself get sucked in.. Questioning and wondering if this is what I really want.. Was talking this over with jeff this morn about how his and my sisters relationship left me with unfillable expectations of love and life and what to expect of myself.. I've recently found myself searching for relationships to fill some void that I felt was left in my life.. I dunno if I felt like a failure or what it was but I was going through the issues one has when wanting of something.. But this morn I was resolute about it all being mind games and my self concious and how this idea and why I keep running from relationships was their fault and not my own.. Then its 358 am and I'm laying here telling myself this is the future.. This makes sense? When knowing it doesn't.. When knowing its all for show for now.. And when time passes ill continue to not be the one or whatever it is that we are looking for these days.. While I continue to make excuses and blame others of why I'm not in a relationship and why I keep unhealthy ones around.. Ill keep making resolutions to change.. Knowing I never will.. (Have ..)

Lyrics:

Sleeping by yourself at night can make you feel alone
Your girlfriend said so but I don't really know
That don't mean we fucked around
That night last week when you left town

Was tweakin' by myself one night, that's when I wrote this tune
Didn't have no need for that bed in my hotel room
Sometimes right now since I've left the pen
Feels like I'm right back there again

Sometimes I pray
Waiting, waiting for some bright holiday
So I bought myself a gun
And I'm right back, right back where I'm from

Sleeping by yourself at night can make you feel alone
My girfriend said so, she's a little ho
That don't mean I fuck around
I like to keep that higher ground

Sometimes I pray
Waiting, waiting for some bright holiday
So I bought myself a gun
And I'm right back, right back where I'm from

Ohhh, don't tease me
Ohhh, don't tease me
Don't tease me, ohhh

Sometimes I pray
Waiting, waiting for some bright holiday
So I bought myself a gun
And I'm right back, right back where I'm from

So Ive had this song in my head for a few weeks now.. well mainly the first four lines.. I really like this song but love the pointed nature of it.. As this year has progressed I found myself growing up and going through that whole "maybe I'm an adult now" phase.. Looking around wanting new things.. different things.. So recently Ive been talking myself into opening up and being more accessible.. I dont know if it will work but I needed to get this song down on record.. Ill write later...