Questioning ones own Lockdown

Soo this week alone Ive worked a total of 90 hours.. at first I thought this was the new motivated me.. The one who wants to buy a house.. who wants to own that Audi S5.. you know the go getta.. Ive been on that grind.. grinding.. and all that.. My amount of work hours this week had my boss remark "do you have a kid somewhere in need of child support?" ... nope.. I have goals.. I have a term bill to pay.. I have things to do.. Well thats what I thought.. I thought I was being an adult and working to reach some goal.. Working to improve myself.. Or something... Then Eric calls and asks to do something Sunday and my first response.. "Yea I'll take Monday off to chill I need a break.." WtF? So I decided to evaluate my whole work thing.. and realized I have been over compensating work for my loss of friends and this perceived slight I feel... Honestly.. Im not sure what happened.. I just know its been almost a week without talking to the two people I talked to more than anyone else and Ive found myself still questioning myself and those decisions.. But at the same time Ive taken advice I received and began to re evaluate my own thoughts and perceptions on this whole dynamic.. See a part of me sees me falling down this rabbit hole of self doubt.. and lack of self confidence.. thinking maybe I just wasnt good enough.. not established enough.. not there yet.. Standing in my house the other day talking to myself as i washed dishes and wondered aloud "what nerve I have to think that I should have what I want.. like i deserve it.." I see it in my reemergence of the health nut me.. the one who wonders how many credits I have left.. or when I will make more money.. or be better at games or some shit.. This where I am now feeling like I was rejected.. Which I guess in essence I was.. but what do I call what I did.. and also can one be rejected while explaining he was running away from something.. see the reason I run from most isnt out of fear of happiness as I once put it.. but out of fear of disappointment.. fear of not being good enough.. but like i said taking time to reflect and grow.. changing me to a better me.. so i can love you better.. now that I said that aloud it sounds worse than just running.. whatever.. wwjd?.. hed say "Lets Get It!" which really doesnt help.. so i guess i chose the Kanye route...

- Kanye West Lyrics

808's and Heartbreak..

If you wouldve asked me a year ago if i would be writing a blog in support of Kanye's 808's and Heartbreak album.. Id tell you you was crazy.. If you would have told me when I first got the album and listened to it twice that Id be coming back to it once a day almost, while telling myself I really like the concept.. Id tell you you lost your ever loving mind.. But over the last two weeks Ive listened to it like it was the Qoran.. Taking it in and memorizing it to become a hafez in it.. I love this album.. at least i keep telling myself i do.. When the concept first hit, I knew I would like the concept but couldnt buy into him singing it.. which I still cant.. but something else happened.. I find myself again alone.. not heartbroken.. but alone.. in the matter of three days Ive seemed to lose the two closest people to me.. to uncontrollable reasons.. the crazy thing is as far apart each person is to the next.. the reasons mirror each other.. friendships that were casualties of heartbreak.. Its so crazy though.. Because this isnt even three days into the new year and I find myself more alone today then i felt almost all of last year.. and its only going to get worse.. last year when I went through a similar issue my attention and thoughts were already being stolen by the other party in ways that made me feel whole again, so when I got back one of my closest confidants pre summer it felt that everything else was just a bonus.. the issue as always is that my inability to resolve anything and avoid confrontation has led to a re-up of the same stupid issues and thoughts.. so now im friendless with no end in sight.. this is without mention of the friends im losing to relationships, age, distance, and personal reflection on said friendships.. Is this part of getting old? or is there something more at play?.. Is this what those people who lived their mid twenties always refuse to tell you.. how sucky those years actually are.. how the same types of friendships you had in highschool and college fall by the waste side as you get older... how being "friends" usually means more for someone and not as much for the other.. I remember last year I questioned someones friendship with me because of her ability to walk away for her own sanity and now i see myself doing it while she does it again and now not only does one question her friendship but he questions his own.. and his fairness to her knowing what she was going through.. i dont even know why i posted this here and probably will regret this in the morning but for now.. Welcome to Heartbreak...... (kinda)

Happy New Nothing?

I guess its been established already 3 hours 56 minutes into the new year and I broke my major resolution already.its not like I tried to do it.. These things kind of happen..flashback
Sitting in Girl a's house with her family at 1130 girl a's sister asks me what my new years resolution is: I respond "to build healthy and fruitful relationships while eliminating all the rest" girl a's sister laughs and asks me does that mean the end of me and girl a's friendship..
That wasn't what I was getting at but honestly our friendship is the epitome of everything that isn't my nyr.. And I know this and yet I'm there.. But instead as always I shrug it off and argue the merits of a friendship that increasingly gets harder.. Fast forward the 3 hours we are laying on her couch with her legs in between mine (not in that way) and I wonder how I got here.. How I continuosly let myself get sucked in.. Questioning and wondering if this is what I really want.. Was talking this over with jeff this morn about how his and my sisters relationship left me with unfillable expectations of love and life and what to expect of myself.. I've recently found myself searching for relationships to fill some void that I felt was left in my life.. I dunno if I felt like a failure or what it was but I was going through the issues one has when wanting of something.. But this morn I was resolute about it all being mind games and my self concious and how this idea and why I keep running from relationships was their fault and not my own.. Then its 358 am and I'm laying here telling myself this is the future.. This makes sense? When knowing it doesn't.. When knowing its all for show for now.. And when time passes ill continue to not be the one or whatever it is that we are looking for these days.. While I continue to make excuses and blame others of why I'm not in a relationship and why I keep unhealthy ones around.. Ill keep making resolutions to change.. Knowing I never will.. (Have ..)