I have so many books I want to read this tops the list

Life Inc. The Movie from Douglas Rushkoff on Vimeo.

Drake seems to be the biggest thing out sooo..

I thought I'd post something by someone who covered something Drake did.. This is dope.. Stole it from 2dopeboyz.. Enjoy Miguel..

Miguel EXCLUSIVE Best I Ever Had (Cover) from Miguel on Vimeo.

This just isn't right..

She just cold clocks him.. I swear there is a reason for my hiatus but I can't explain now.. Enjoy this punch..

Sorry for the lack of posts lately..

Ive been going through some ish.. trying to maintain.. school has been kicking my tail.. the weather has finally turned on me.. I once controlled the rain.. now the rain hates me.. it destroyed my bb.. destroyed my life.. so i thought id post some videos to try to explain my recent attitude and why it needs to change.. think of it as my version of "What My World Sounds Like" enjoy some brother ali..

Man I'm glad Joe Budden said it..

Vibe Magazine and most of these sites and channels that do hip hop lists need to quit.. enjoy the video.. his face at 4:42 is hilarious..

Tweet of the Day...

This is just G.D. funny.. Dude is my favorite twitter tweeple ever..


His name is NOTnotoriousBIG.. due to some legal problems with Diddy.. (take that Take that).. But shit is so funny.. His schtick is actually channeling what he thinks Biggie would be saying on Twitter if he were to be alive.. You can follow him by clicking on the link..... Well he usually comments on every day ish and as you can see he updated for the "swine flu" Without further ado the tweet of the day

oh shit! swine flus straight up. yo, stay away from pork, homies! i aint even gonna fuck any ugly bitches, thats how safe Poppa roll.

and to not leave the rest out the second line was

swine flu tip: dont share blunts with pigs.

I love NOTnotoriousBIG.. later homes

For future refrences..

This is my plan of action at all times.. don't be surprised...

Some inspiration for the day...

I really love this song... Its probably one of my favorite songs by Atmospher.. After doing well on some exams and having some things pass my way I thought I would share with you my happy music.. Hope you enjoy...

Sharing is Caring..

So recently Ive been thinking of different things I could do with this blog and how I can expand it from being my own personal journal.. Don't get me wrong I enjoy expressing my thoughts and such on this site, but realized that so much more is necessary for me to do this more consistently.. So today I decided to add the feature.. blogs Im feeling.. aka "Sharing is Caring"
First on this list will be What My World is Like... This is one of my favorite blogs on the net.. Very insightful, powerful, and positive.. The author or founder is one of the few people in this world really looking to make a difference.. You should definitely check it out.. It will be sure to bring a smile to your face, while making you question if you are doing enough for the betterment of society...

A must read.. Well in my eyes..

Ok I am going to get a cease and delete order or some shit for posting this whole column but I think it was the best OP-Ed piece Ive read in a long time.. Its long, sad, and very making people angry worthy, but at some point we need to recognize what we have done and take some action.. I love this article actually. enjoy
Op-Ed Columnist
The Banality of Bush White House Evil

Article Tools Sponsored By
By FRANK RICH
Published: April 25, 2009

WE don’t like our evil to be banal. Ten years after Columbine, it only now may be sinking in that the psychopathic killers were not jock-hating dorks from a “Trench Coat Mafia,” or, as ABC News maintained at the time, “part of a dark, underground national phenomenon known as the Gothic movement.” In the new best seller “Columbine,” the journalist Dave Cullen reaffirms that Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris were instead ordinary American teenagers who worked at the local pizza joint, loved their parents and were popular among their classmates.
Skip to next paragraph
Enlarge This Image
Barry Blitt

Go to Columnist Page »
Related
Times Topics: Torture
Fred R. Conrad/The New York Times

Frank Rich
Readers' Comments

Share your thoughts.

* Post a Comment »
* Read All Comments (767) »

On Tuesday, it will be five years since Americans first confronted the photographs from Abu Ghraib on “60 Minutes II.” Here, too, we want to cling to myths that quarantine the evil. If our country committed torture, surely it did so to prevent Armageddon, in a patriotic ticking-time-bomb scenario out of “24.” If anyone deserves blame, it was only those identified by President Bush as “a few American troops who dishonored our country and disregarded our values”: promiscuous, sinister-looking lowlifes like Lynddie England, Charles Graner and the other grunts who were held accountable while the top command got a pass.

We’ve learned much, much more about America and torture in the past five years. But as Mark Danner recently wrote in The New York Review of Books, for all the revelations, one essential fact remains unchanged: “By no later than the summer of 2004, the American people had before them the basic narrative of how the elected and appointed officials of their government decided to torture prisoners and how they went about it.” When the Obama administration said it declassified four new torture memos 10 days ago in part because their contents were already largely public, it was right.

Yet we still shrink from the hardest truths and the bigger picture: that torture was a premeditated policy approved at our government’s highest levels; that it was carried out in scenarios that had no resemblance to “24”; that psychologists and physicians were enlisted as collaborators in inflicting pain; and that, in the assessment of reliable sources like the F.B.I. director Robert Mueller, it did not help disrupt any terrorist attacks.

The newly released Justice Department memos, like those before them, were not written by barely schooled misfits like England and Graner. John Yoo, Steven Bradbury and Jay Bybee graduated from the likes of Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Michigan and Brigham Young. They have passed through white-shoe law firms like Covington & Burling, and Sidley Austin.

Judge Bybee’s résumé tells us that he has four children and is both a Cubmaster for the Boy Scouts and a youth baseball and basketball coach. He currently occupies a tenured seat on the United States Court of Appeals. As an assistant attorney general, he was the author of the Aug. 1, 2002, memo endorsing in lengthy, prurient detail interrogation “techniques” like “facial slap (insult slap)” and “insects placed in a confinement box.”

He proposed using 10 such techniques “in some sort of escalating fashion, culminating with the waterboard, though not necessarily ending with this technique.” Waterboarding, the near-drowning favored by Pol Pot and the Spanish Inquisition, was prosecuted by the United States in war-crimes trials after World War II. But Bybee concluded that it “does not, in our view, inflict ‘severe pain or suffering.’ ”

Still, it’s not Bybee’s perverted lawyering and pornographic amorality that make his memo worthy of special attention. It merits a closer look because it actually does add something new — and, even after all we’ve heard, something shocking — to the five-year-old torture narrative. When placed in full context, it’s the kind of smoking gun that might free us from the myths and denial that prevent us from reckoning with this ugly chapter in our history.

Bybee’s memo was aimed at one particular detainee, Abu Zubaydah, who had been captured some four months earlier, in late March 2002. Zubaydah is portrayed in the memo (as he was publicly by Bush after his capture) as one of the top men in Al Qaeda. But by August this had been proven false. As Ron Suskind reported in his book “The One Percent Doctrine,” Zubaydah was identified soon after his capture as a logistics guy, who, in the words of the F.B.I.’s top-ranking Qaeda analyst at the time, Dan Coleman, served as the terrorist group’s flight booker and “greeter,” like “Joe Louis in the lobby of Caesar’s Palace.” Zubaydah “knew very little about real operations, or strategy.” He showed clinical symptoms of schizophrenia.

By the time Bybee wrote his memo, Zubaydah had been questioned by the F.B.I. and C.I.A. for months and had given what limited information he had. His most valuable contribution was to finger Khalid Shaikh Mohammed as the 9/11 mastermind. But, as Jane Mayer wrote in her book “The Dark Side,” even that contribution may have been old news: according to the 9/11 commission, the C.I.A. had already learned about Mohammed during the summer of 2001. In any event, as one of Zubaydah’s own F.B.I. questioners, Ali Soufan, wrote in a Times Op-Ed article last Thursday, traditional interrogation methods had worked. Yet Bybee’s memo purported that an “increased pressure phase” was required to force Zubaydah to talk.

As soon as Bybee gave the green light, torture followed: Zubaydah was waterboarded at least 83 times in August 2002, according to another of the newly released memos. Unsurprisingly, it appears that no significant intelligence was gained by torturing this mentally ill Qaeda functionary. So why the overkill? Bybee’s memo invoked a ticking time bomb: “There is currently a level of ‘chatter’ equal to that which preceded the September 11 attacks.”

We don’t know if there was such unusual “chatter” then, but it’s unlikely Zubaydah could have added information if there were. Perhaps some new facts may yet emerge if Dick Cheney succeeds in his unexpected and welcome crusade to declassify documents that he says will exonerate administration interrogation policies. Meanwhile, we do have evidence for an alternative explanation of what motivated Bybee to write his memo that August, thanks to the comprehensive Senate Armed Services Committee report on detainees released last week.

The report found that Maj. Paul Burney, a United States Army psychiatrist assigned to interrogations in Guantánamo Bay that summer of 2002, told Army investigators of another White House imperative: “A large part of the time we were focused on trying to establish a link between Al Qaeda and Iraq and we were not being successful.” As higher-ups got more “frustrated” at the inability to prove this connection, the major said, “there was more and more pressure to resort to measures” that might produce that intelligence.

In other words, the ticking time bomb was not another potential Qaeda attack on America but the Bush administration’s ticking timetable for selling a war in Iraq; it wanted to pressure Congress to pass a war resolution before the 2002 midterm elections. Bybee’s memo was written the week after the then-secret (and subsequently leaked) “Downing Street memo,” in which the head of British intelligence informed Tony Blair that the Bush White House was so determined to go to war in Iraq that “the intelligence and facts were being fixed around the policy.” A month after Bybee’s memo, on Sept. 8, 2002, Cheney would make his infamous appearance on “Meet the Press,” hyping both Saddam’s W.M.D.s and the “number of contacts over the years” between Al Qaeda and Iraq. If only 9/11 could somehow be pinned on Iraq, the case for war would be a slamdunk.

But there were no links between 9/11 and Iraq, and the White House knew it. Torture may have been the last hope for coercing such bogus “intelligence” from detainees who would be tempted to say anything to stop the waterboarding.

Last week Bush-Cheney defenders, true to form, dismissed the Senate Armed Services Committee report as “partisan.” But as the committee chairman, Carl Levin, told me, the report received unanimous support from its members — John McCain, Lindsey Graham and Joe Lieberman included.

Levin also emphasized the report’s accounts of military lawyers who dissented from White House doctrine — only to be disregarded. The Bush administration was “driven,” Levin said. By what? “They’d say it was to get more information. But they were desperate to find a link between Al Qaeda and Iraq.”

Five years after the Abu Ghraib revelations, we must acknowledge that our government methodically authorized torture and lied about it. But we also must contemplate the possibility that it did so not just out of a sincere, if criminally misguided, desire to “protect” us but also to promote an unnecessary and catastrophic war. Instead of saving us from “another 9/11,” torture was a tool in the campaign to falsify and exploit 9/11 so that fearful Americans would be bamboozled into a mission that had nothing to do with Al Qaeda. The lying about Iraq remains the original sin from which flows much of the Bush White House’s illegality.

Levin suggests — and I agree — that as additional fact-finding plays out, it’s time for the Justice Department to enlist a panel of two or three apolitical outsiders, perhaps retired federal judges, “to review the mass of material” we already have. The fundamental truth is there, as it long has been. The panel can recommend a legal path that will insure accountability for this wholesale betrayal of American values.

President Obama can talk all he wants about not looking back, but this grotesque past is bigger than even he is. It won’t vanish into a memory hole any more than Andersonville, World War II internment camps or My Lai. The White House, Congress and politicians of both parties should get out of the way. We don’t need another commission. We don’t need any Capitol Hill witch hunts. What we must have are fair trials that at long last uphold and reclaim our nation’s commitment to the rule of law.

Twitter Thought of The Day

I think for now on I'm gonna hit you guys once or twice a week what my favorite "tweets" are that I find people or I say.. I realize this is off but I think some interesting ish is said on twitter..

The first one is by yours truly...

I wish I believed the positivity I shoot at friends in their times of need.. If I believed all I said I'd be happy as shit

Recently with all the turmoil going on in friends lives I find myself as the sounding board for all their problems and insecurities.. Not that I mind.. I actually enjoy helping my closest friends out.. Its just my method of help causes me to be more optimistic than I am.. I told a friend today

Don't think too hard about how hard life is. Its always going to be hard.. The key is to cherish the sweet way more than the sour

Aside from me stealing that from one of my favorite movies "Vanilla Sky" I know I dont follow that same advice.. Actually for the most part.. All I do is think about how hard life is.. Whatever.. Thats my "Tweet of the day"

New DOOM video

As we all know I LOOVVE DOOM soooo of course I would show the unofficial version of his new video "Microwave Mayonnaise" Enjoy how dope this is of course shouts to Dallas Penn on creating this..

More Mixtapes More LatePasses..

Slaughterhouse Mixtape


Uploaded this for my bro - in - law and decided to give it a place for permanent download and listen..

New Kid Cudi Mixtape

Kid Cudi - Dat Kid from Cleveland


Thanks to 2dopeboyz I got this new Kid Cudi mixtape.. its pretty dope so far.. enjoy if this is your style..

Mixtapes I enjoy...

This is also kind of old but I'm just getting back into posting about mixtapes in music.. I love this one though... There will be a link for download and a playlist as well.. Enjoy.. Thanks to 2DopeBoyz

Quest - Distant travels

Who you gonna call...?

Found using Stumbleupon

Oh how I love Starbucks

Stumbleupon

This is a comic in homage to the greatest internet tool there is... StumbleUpon..

Man gets shot 84 times and Lives

Man 50 cent don't have shit on this dude.. Read this article from the Huffington Post

BANGKOK — The founder of the protest movement that shut down Bangkok's airports last year was shot and wounded in a possible assassination attempt Friday, just days after troops cracked down on rioting protesters from the rival, anti-government group.

The government quickly moved to tighten security around Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva, who said a state of emergency that was imposed Sunday in Bangkok would remain in place. Vehicles carrying Abhisit were attacked twice by red-shirted protesters before and during this week's riots.

Sondhi Limthongkul, a media tycoon and supporter of the current government, was in stable condition after surgery that removed "small pieces of bullet" from his skull, said Vajira Hospital director Chaiwan Charoenchoktawee. After the surgery, Sondhi was conscious and speaking and suffered no brain damage, he said.

Sondhi's People's Alliance for Democracy immediately said the attack was politically motivated, a claim that police said was under investigation.

The alliance _ known as the "yellow shirts" _ was behind protests last year to drive the allies of ousted Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra from power. His supporters come mainly from the middle class and educated elite of Thai society, and include royalists, academics and retired military.

Those demonstrations, which paralyzed the government for months and occupied the capital's airports for a week, only ended after court rulings removed two Thaksin-allied governments, paving the way for Abhisit's rise in December.

But the rulings set of protests by the yellow shirts' rivals _ the red shirts who are staunch supporters of Thaksin and argue Abhisit had no popular mandate to rule. Their demonstrations came to a height in Bangkok earlier this week but were called off Tuesday after facing a major military crackdown.

The red shirts, who come largely from rural areas, have expressed anger that several of their leaders were arrested over the past week, while Sondhi and his allies were never prosecuted over last year's airport seizures, which stranded some 300,000 travelers.
Abhisit said Friday that the Cabinet had decided not to revoke the emergency decree that was imposed Sunday to control rioting in the capital.

"We are concerned by the shooting obviously. We've got to restore order," Abhisit said, indicating the government was worried the attack could lead to another flare-up of violence. "We do not want this to be used to create a wider conflict."

Government spokesman Panitan Wattanayagorn told reporters that security around Abhisit would be increased and "we may not be able to disclose his plans and schedule as usual."

Sondhi, who owns the pro-government TV channel ASTV, was being driven to work before dawn Friday when at least two men in a pickup truck ambushed his car and opened fire with M-16 and AK-47 rifles, first aiming to shoot out the tires and then spraying the vehicle with bullets, said Bangkok police spokesman Suporn Pansua.

"Considering the nature of the attack and the weapons used, we believe it was carried out by people with expertise," Suporn said, adding that 84 bullet shells were found on the road. "We believe the attack was meant to take lives."

The car's windshield was riddled with bullets and windows on one side were shattered. The driver of the car was seriously wounded and an aide traveling in the car also was wounded, Suporn said.

A spokesman for Sondhi's alliance, Panthep Poapongpan, said it was "quite clear" that the attack was politically motivated but stopped short of saying who he believed was behind it. Sondhi regularly travels with bodyguards.

None of the leaders of the red-shirt movement could be immediately contacted. Aside from three in police custody, others were on the run and had their phones switched off.

Police said an investigation was under way to determine the motive and that they were looking into Sondhi's political and business enemies who could be linked to the attack.

end of article

84 times.. how gangsta is that.. if he dropped a hip hop album itd go 8x plat.. "Get Free or Don't Die Trying"..

Hitting you with a Mixtape..

This is my homie Blaze outta Houston.. This is the type of ish that needs to drop.. He's in that second generation of Southern Emcees that are showing you not to sleep on the South.. Please believe this is his year.. Remember where you are hearing this.. I picked this up in datpiff.. but I have the album as well if people need an official d/l.. i might do that anyway

Download Mixtape | Provided by DatPiff.com

Chic I'm AMAZING

Sometimes I just wanna play this song for some of you fools.. Cause yea I'm Amazing lol.. I love this song for real for real

She be callin my name..

An official video from the second best rapper in NJ.. We all know that Redman is.. sorry @mousebudden!.. But I love this joint.. Not for you youngin's though.. Enjoy at your own risk.. "She be calling my name".. Yea it does remind me of Poison.. but whatever.. enjoy..

Her Favorite Colo(u)r Isn't Blu

Late Pass my ass I had this since he posted it on his website but now Im presenting it to you people.. I love this jawn.. Enjoy

Here's the download link if you want it.. but we all know those don't last so here is the tracks for your pleasure..

Blu- HerfavoriteColo(u)r

Ok.. you have proved your point...

Youre not who you say you are.. You're different.. Blah blah blah...

Watch Where you Step

There may be a bat looking to knock you the F*ck out...



This has been one of those illuminating weeks and hopefully I learned some type of lesson.. But who knows.. I can never see anything..

Quit Being a......

CLICK THE LINK TO SEE THE WHOLE COMIC THEN CLICK BACK

So I found this little webgem recently while Stumbling the recent faves of my friends and began to laugh out loud on how thats what my step mom used to say about things like that.. But recently I came to the realization that I need to take this advice more often than not.. I havent been in a fight in years so this is clearly not a post about physical violence and me punking out.. But Ive realized that my nonchalance has led to me not being as ballsy as I should be.. Ive reached a point in life where I dont care enough to take risks that may lead to failure Im not ready for... That previous sentence has been my explanation why I dont takes certain chances in : relationships, careers, money, and so on.. I recently told this to a few people in my life and they all agreed I'm just a punk..
Today after seeing Observe and Report I found myself walking through times square running to my train.. Since its the beginning of the Easter Holidays It was crowded with youngins running game and eye balling any lady walking through.. I admired them at this time, their youth, and game... One in particular really caught me off guard.. Im walking alongside a group of women who were all conversing amongst eachother when a group of these youngins cut between me and the ladies.. and one brazen one took one of the ladies by the arm and just starts spitting game.. I caught myself double taking and watching this for a second thinking how dope and stupid that was.. I just wish I was able to do such things and rock with such confidence.. Heres what my ideal spit would sound like..
Enjoy.. Later homes

I want to go through a personal revolution..

The Above Picture was my desktop picture for like six months.. Its a picture of the riots in Greece, during their recent social uprisings...

Recently I've been on this Graphic Novel kick and really into reading Alan Moore and Frank Miller.. I guess it started with my finding of Watchmen through this kid in class a few years back.. These books seem to all have a central theme of morality and the lack of it in todays world.. The idea of self social revolution is such a central theme its kind of feeding in to my "Truman Show" beliefs.. I always wanted to be a part of a violent uprising.. As read before I have this need to be apart of something special.. And with the way the world is going I would just like to be a part of when it all comes down.. And then see it as we figure how to build it back up.. And most of the time I realize I need to want that for myself.. I feel like Ive conformed a lot more than I ever wanted to.. And as I get more comfortable with myself I see the changes necessary to be able to run through all this.. I just need to complete them..

Never Thought I'd Post Something

Diddy recommended but this is pretty fresh.. I believe they are Chester French...



I hope you enjoy.. I think Ill be doing more music posts for a while and straying from my personal life as i get ish together

Blind Dating and the Such...

So as stated before Ive been trying this whole dating thing out.. Ive tried to be about not dating and living my life.. but I always find myself running back through this whole need of being with someone... While the most prudent thing for me right now is to focus on my future and all it has to offer.. I find myself wanting more and settling for less to pursue some pipe dream of love and happiness.. Case in point I was recently going through my old myspace blogs saying goodbye to them as I prepare to delete that page and came across this list... See if you follow.. this is the blog in its entirety..

Ok stop if you read something like this from me before.. stop now.. if youre tired of the usual this is no different than the other 211 blogs.. just a new way a new thought.. a new medium... youre still here? whatever dont say I didnt warn you.. maybe youre a glutton to observe the punishment i put myself through if so youre pretty sadistic...you may not even have to read anymore..
Still here Wow.. ok here we go..
In Search of...
Female..
between the ages of 23- 25
fun
smart
cool
music enthusiast
club enthusiast
Reads a book lets say once a month (on your own)
Knows the pros of headphones
knows way around nyc
late night party head
sarcastic
strong
spontaneous
can name more than one sublime song
can name more than one tool song
can name more than one wu tang song
can tell me the elements of hip hop
can lose herself in movies
understands why the deejay is god
knows who slug is
wants to see fiji
wants to see the pyramids
wants to be at ministry of sound
knows that a good sound system can make any night
can drink and not embarrass them self
can hold one self in a conversation
can adopt to the world around them
can accept others
can understand silence
can understand nonchalance
can understand awkward
can count to ten in another language
can laugh at oneself
I swear thats all i want.. But I realize she may not exist.. Ive been trying this whole dating thing recently and find myself.. hmm looking for word.. still looking.. bored.. maybe the word is thrown off... As Im settling into life I find myself looking for someone to spend time with..(preferably noone I know.. Im just not into them) Really just have fun with and the experiences have led me to believe that solitude is an awesome plan.. I swear I dont get the female species and as much as I think I do I find myself more and more puzzled... as the days go on I realize I have more female friends than I can count... and I seem to be their voice for opinion and advice.. but yet.. I dont get it.. I dont understand anyone.. Like you dont expect everything to work.. be good or what not.. but when your cautious about your decisions.. when you take the time to choose the right ways to go about things.. you feel its a better chance.. Whatever Im kind of done again.. I need to focus on other things or something.. I just find it funny how unappealing my personality can be.. You just never want to settle.. Im sorry this is random not thought out.. kind of all over the place.. and kind of vague.. kind of shot taking.. kind of impressive.. kind of one sided... kind of done..
Tolstoy said "If you want to be happy then be happy" I say I have two words to say to you and they just might be "Fuck you"

And since this blog was a year ago you would think it may have changed.. but it hasnt.. at the time it may have been written with a certain someone in mind but now I realize that my wants have not changed but intensified while still feeling like I dont want anything..
See but my issue is that I still find myself checking out the websites, and throwing my hat in the ring because maybe one day I will find above girl and we would connect and life will be like the movies and such.. But what Ive learned is that online personas are never the same as real life personas.. and the connection people who only deal within the online realm is starting to take over what a true relationship is actually about.. recently conversating with someone about a dating experience she had.. she mentioned how she met dude online.. and he took it real slow and precise.. finally they meet after long late convos and the such and really feeling like she knew dude.. once she met him he was standoffish and kind of played his role and left.. the date wasnt bad but wasnt what she expected.. i laughed and tried to explain that people are forgetting that no matter how well you know someone or perceive to know someone online.. that first date is even more blind than being introduced by friends.. the online affairs lead to expectations that are rarely met and most often unrealistic.. most assume a relationship before they even truly know anyone.. i dont know but its all been weird and i find myself laughing at the pace.. Like even now I catch myself often thinking wow shes cool I like her.. we connect.. and all this crazy logic talk I speak gets thrown to the window.. where as I really need to learn to take it even slower and really get to know what Im getting myself into.. Recently when out on a walk around date I was talking to someone I met in these mean streets of the internet and she was explaining her advice she gave to a young co-worker about dating.. and how she said that "if shes single, looking, no kids, no real accomplishments, and so on, why are you wasting your time? something is obviously wrong" I thought about that the whole time, it kept coming back to me while we had coffee and reminded me of all the bad dating experiences Ive had... and that became my new checklist.. Because too often you are finding the ones that wont even make that checklist let alone my view of my soulmate.. I dunno it is what it is.. dont mind my relationship rambling.. im just lost in this thing we call "the search for love"

The Inevitable Was Bound to Happen..

So recently I saw this movie called "I'm Through With White Girls" through my brand new greatest invention that is Netflix Instant Access.. and found my new love.. Her name is Lia Johnson I am quite fond of her.. and for the first time in years I found someone to take the place of the beautiful Lisa Bonet in High Fidelity.. See I'm not all that into Lisa Bonet "the person" but in all honesty I was in love with the idea of this lisa bonet..
I just have this weird thing for ladies with quirks and dreads.. not only that but when they are artistic I like them even more.. I have this whole obsession with wanting to be part of something.. Especially with my ladies.. A lot of it is my self centered.. Seemingly middle child/only child syndrome.. This whole I want to effect an artists life so much they need to write about me, sing about me, or draw about me.. This whole idea of feeling appreciated and having a presence in something that clearly was before me and probably will be better after me.. I think thats a bigger part of my dream though.. The breakup manifesto.. So while watching this movie all i could imagine was that I was him and when that ended there will be a book about me, well not about me per se.. but a book written in the aftermath of me.. Self centered I know.. but whatever..

Be My Valentine Charlie Brown

Note : This Post was written while watching said movie mid way through if it ends happy I'm pissed, and disregard..

Note : I turned the channel and forgot I wasn't recording and now don't know how it ends.. so guess what? in my mind.. ended sadly

So one of my least favorite holidays is right down the street and in today's sad economic times the amount of commercials and such have been pretty scaled back.. But you still know its coming.. There are small hints here and there.. Forums mention it, the hallmark store, and you know that kind of stuff... For the most part yearly I skip this holiday, i boycott the movies, the shows, and the music. I just don't want to give in to a day meant to make you spend money, and act like you love someone more that day more than the day before.. I just don't get it... Actually Valentines day makes me like people less.. Because this whole holiday just seems so one-sided and contrived.. Its become less about the partner but how you show your affection through gifts and what not.. but what do i get out of such actions.. higher expectations for next year, and so on... So if we date or have any intentions on such.. For now on I'm boycotting this B.S holiday... Its nothing but false expectations and broken hearts.. (i swear im not bitter)

Questioning ones own Lockdown

Soo this week alone Ive worked a total of 90 hours.. at first I thought this was the new motivated me.. The one who wants to buy a house.. who wants to own that Audi S5.. you know the go getta.. Ive been on that grind.. grinding.. and all that.. My amount of work hours this week had my boss remark "do you have a kid somewhere in need of child support?" ... nope.. I have goals.. I have a term bill to pay.. I have things to do.. Well thats what I thought.. I thought I was being an adult and working to reach some goal.. Working to improve myself.. Or something... Then Eric calls and asks to do something Sunday and my first response.. "Yea I'll take Monday off to chill I need a break.." WtF? So I decided to evaluate my whole work thing.. and realized I have been over compensating work for my loss of friends and this perceived slight I feel... Honestly.. Im not sure what happened.. I just know its been almost a week without talking to the two people I talked to more than anyone else and Ive found myself still questioning myself and those decisions.. But at the same time Ive taken advice I received and began to re evaluate my own thoughts and perceptions on this whole dynamic.. See a part of me sees me falling down this rabbit hole of self doubt.. and lack of self confidence.. thinking maybe I just wasnt good enough.. not established enough.. not there yet.. Standing in my house the other day talking to myself as i washed dishes and wondered aloud "what nerve I have to think that I should have what I want.. like i deserve it.." I see it in my reemergence of the health nut me.. the one who wonders how many credits I have left.. or when I will make more money.. or be better at games or some shit.. This where I am now feeling like I was rejected.. Which I guess in essence I was.. but what do I call what I did.. and also can one be rejected while explaining he was running away from something.. see the reason I run from most isnt out of fear of happiness as I once put it.. but out of fear of disappointment.. fear of not being good enough.. but like i said taking time to reflect and grow.. changing me to a better me.. so i can love you better.. now that I said that aloud it sounds worse than just running.. whatever.. wwjd?.. hed say "Lets Get It!" which really doesnt help.. so i guess i chose the Kanye route...

- Kanye West Lyrics

808's and Heartbreak..

If you wouldve asked me a year ago if i would be writing a blog in support of Kanye's 808's and Heartbreak album.. Id tell you you was crazy.. If you would have told me when I first got the album and listened to it twice that Id be coming back to it once a day almost, while telling myself I really like the concept.. Id tell you you lost your ever loving mind.. But over the last two weeks Ive listened to it like it was the Qoran.. Taking it in and memorizing it to become a hafez in it.. I love this album.. at least i keep telling myself i do.. When the concept first hit, I knew I would like the concept but couldnt buy into him singing it.. which I still cant.. but something else happened.. I find myself again alone.. not heartbroken.. but alone.. in the matter of three days Ive seemed to lose the two closest people to me.. to uncontrollable reasons.. the crazy thing is as far apart each person is to the next.. the reasons mirror each other.. friendships that were casualties of heartbreak.. Its so crazy though.. Because this isnt even three days into the new year and I find myself more alone today then i felt almost all of last year.. and its only going to get worse.. last year when I went through a similar issue my attention and thoughts were already being stolen by the other party in ways that made me feel whole again, so when I got back one of my closest confidants pre summer it felt that everything else was just a bonus.. the issue as always is that my inability to resolve anything and avoid confrontation has led to a re-up of the same stupid issues and thoughts.. so now im friendless with no end in sight.. this is without mention of the friends im losing to relationships, age, distance, and personal reflection on said friendships.. Is this part of getting old? or is there something more at play?.. Is this what those people who lived their mid twenties always refuse to tell you.. how sucky those years actually are.. how the same types of friendships you had in highschool and college fall by the waste side as you get older... how being "friends" usually means more for someone and not as much for the other.. I remember last year I questioned someones friendship with me because of her ability to walk away for her own sanity and now i see myself doing it while she does it again and now not only does one question her friendship but he questions his own.. and his fairness to her knowing what she was going through.. i dont even know why i posted this here and probably will regret this in the morning but for now.. Welcome to Heartbreak...... (kinda)

Happy New Nothing?

I guess its been established already 3 hours 56 minutes into the new year and I broke my major resolution already.its not like I tried to do it.. These things kind of happen..flashback
Sitting in Girl a's house with her family at 1130 girl a's sister asks me what my new years resolution is: I respond "to build healthy and fruitful relationships while eliminating all the rest" girl a's sister laughs and asks me does that mean the end of me and girl a's friendship..
That wasn't what I was getting at but honestly our friendship is the epitome of everything that isn't my nyr.. And I know this and yet I'm there.. But instead as always I shrug it off and argue the merits of a friendship that increasingly gets harder.. Fast forward the 3 hours we are laying on her couch with her legs in between mine (not in that way) and I wonder how I got here.. How I continuosly let myself get sucked in.. Questioning and wondering if this is what I really want.. Was talking this over with jeff this morn about how his and my sisters relationship left me with unfillable expectations of love and life and what to expect of myself.. I've recently found myself searching for relationships to fill some void that I felt was left in my life.. I dunno if I felt like a failure or what it was but I was going through the issues one has when wanting of something.. But this morn I was resolute about it all being mind games and my self concious and how this idea and why I keep running from relationships was their fault and not my own.. Then its 358 am and I'm laying here telling myself this is the future.. This makes sense? When knowing it doesn't.. When knowing its all for show for now.. And when time passes ill continue to not be the one or whatever it is that we are looking for these days.. While I continue to make excuses and blame others of why I'm not in a relationship and why I keep unhealthy ones around.. Ill keep making resolutions to change.. Knowing I never will.. (Have ..)