and you wonder why Im a stan?

I cant speak enough to how much Saul Williams puts me in awe..

Are you a badfish too?

Everyone Wants to Be an Emcee... (Throwback)

As we all know I consider myself a music connoisseur, and especially when it comes to hip hop.. I feel like what i listen to is what the world should be listening to, because what I listen to is good and what you listen to is probably bad.. unless you listen to what i listen to then I think you are cool and the shit and will want to hang out with you forever.. Whats funny is what I listen to is what my bro - in - law told me to listen to so in essence what I listen to is what my bro in law told me to listen to so you should all listen to what he says to listen to got it? the crazy part is there was a time like in all hip hop heads lives where I thought I could be an emcee.. It was in 9th grade and I was really into hip hop at that time especially boot camp , wu tang, dre, mobb deep, and gritty ish like that.. I thought I was hard as hell cause I was from ny and seen some things... So one day in Mr Thomas's class I wrote my first song.. yea man a whole song 40 bars with a chorus and all.. It was very "Phone Tap" by the Firm type.. i was recounting a convo i imagined having about drug deals and robberies I was involved in.. It was hard.. It was ill.. everyone I showed it to said so.. they all liked it.. Malachi if reading this should co-sign.. I saved that paper forever I never attempted another song but would write rhymes all the time.. thinking that one day I could kick some and be really ill.. So by my junior year in hs.. this piece of paper was so worn it was like tissue paper but i kept it in my journal and looked at it often.. thinking of my genius and how nice i could be if I tried.. At this time my friends and surroundings were completely different I wasnt in Port anymore.. I was in the middle of suburbia and around people who listened to either bullshit or rock no in b/w and most of them listened to a mix of the two... I was still above the influence.. So one day i had my house to myself for the first time it was the summer in b/w 10th and 11th and I had my friends over well just two.. and told them of my emcee dreams.. so they said if I was gonna be one I should start spitting and rhyming... so i said cool and went up and got my vaunted rhyme the one that was gonna help me blow up.. I kicked it and half way through they began to laugh and said it was trash.. I havent seen that song since.. nor have i written another song.. nor have I really tried to rhyme.. I started to make beats, I started to listen to rock.. I fell out of love with hip hop.. the next three years I became someone else.. well anyway I realized my draw to hip hop was the ability to express yourself.. the ability to feel special.. and once i felt like I couldnt role i gave up.. so im back.. well not really more so Im back to just writing.. expressing my imagination on paper and seeing where it takes me.. Ill never be ice cube though.. damn........

Sometimes.. Self Destruction... Wonderment...

Sometimes I think my self destructive attitude is starting to affect my social life.. and now its becoming a problem.. yes I know my priorities are all out of order.. but to me this is a little more serious than you think.. see my social life is what keeps me sane and normal... when life gets too hectic i disappear into the places that keep me happy.. the problem is as I get older my need for people have begun to diminish..and with that comes the obvious flakiness and willingness to just peace out.. when you start making choices to do things solo rather than with anyone else it starts a pattern of being more willing to roll solo.. but with that comes that always awkward never having something or someone definate to do things with.. sometimes i think im just uninspired by those around me.. I remember growing up someone older than me I dont really remember who told me you are who your friends are.. but now im not so sure..whatever later homes

The Record Industry Today

Caution Don't believe the hype not everyone should rap...

This past Wednesday I was witness to probably the worst "rap" show I think Ive ever seen.. and believe me Ive seen some classically bad shows..(im looking at you nas... forgetting words to "The World is Yours" in NYC) but at least there the content of the artist was well respected and you can pretty much say even Jordan has had off days.. but the fuckery I was witness to yesterday was on a whole new level.. Ladies and Gents I present to you Simon Rexx aka Dirt Nasty and his corny crew.. First Simon Rex should not be a rapper.. Porn star maybe.. actor.. depends on who you ask.. but rapper no.. never.. well he is.. and damn it was bad.. I might be over exaggerating because it wasnt like he couldnt put words or a song together.. it was some other shit.. he was just as crude as you could be.. so much so it took away from the whole presentation.. and im not the clean type of guy I like the gritty and all the shit talking and I looooved Eminem and Smut Pedlers when they were doing that whole thing.. Like shock rap and what not. it was disrespectful to everyone but at least there were skills involved.. but the shit I watched was more like a spoof on everything I love complete disregard for what hip hop has meant to everyone I know who loves the music as much as I do.. Im telling you now if g's up hoes down werent involved I mightve walked out or left.. really.. it was that bad.. see dont get me wrong Im not a "hater" (ok usually I am but not now) i get it was a spoof.. see but thats the problem... while hip hop is being persecuted day in and day out due to lyrical content.. do we really need someone to use it as a platform to be a dick.. and not that race is everything but it plays a large roll in this.. Ludaris lost a pepsi contract for "Move Bitch" which yes may be disrespectful but is nowhere near what I heard.. and I get the whole Too Short and 2Live Crew arguments but I find that to be disgusting also but at least Too Short has skills (sorry cant co sign Luke) and 2 live Crew was original but were also banned.. This shit though is on myspace.. really.. yes thats whats needed.. Its like corny frat boy bs but ten times worse.. and I always find it funny that these artists biggest fans dont even like hip hop or rap and usually wont give most artists with skills the time of day.. but if you look like them and make fun of everything that stands for the culture they're the biggest supporters.. I dunno it just really bothered me.. the whole fuckery of it.. and Id be wrong not to mention Jim Jones who lived up to his reputation of being a waste of space time and dirt.. he came in and was on the bill to perform something.. so when they call him out he comes up does not even the whole verse of "We Fly High" and then it turns into the remix.. apparently Jim's songs arent good enough for the deejay to have so he just says eff it and starts to walk off.. when people start screaming for him to do something else he states "Freestyle that sounds too Free.. Im more about MoneyStyle.." and walks off stage.. really.. this is what I mean when I say re educate you fools.. do you know he sold madddd records.. why? how? what the fuck is wrong with people.. Whatever Im done I think I might give up.. Because there is good music out there and yet people support the bull shit..

I dont even care if you think its about you

Actually I do care because its probably not about you.. Its about her.. or them.. or maybe its about you.. who knows.. Really I just like that song..

Deep Dark Silence

As the night settles.. the water becomes more still.. that nasty black water.. with all the disgust it still seems so peaceful.. so serene.. As he watches from the edge he can see the opposite shore.. the colgate clock tells him its 1:15 am which means its somewhere around 3am.. he just stares.. he comes here at night to get away from the rest, while thinking about himself.. he uses this place as a sanctuary to shelter him from the prying eyes the constant watch.. he burns one down as he sits where there is no safety net.. one wrong slip and hes in the water one quick scare and hes drenched in the nastiest water hes ever seen.. hes not gonna lie and say that he hasnt thought of jumping in.. not to drown but to disappear... he thinks that life will be easier if hes cleansed in the water... its that christian education running wild the story of john the baptist and jesus.. the idea that water cleanses all.. he feels so dirty he just cannot explain.. he decided its too cold tonight.. he thinks about the time he saw a dead fish and a pamper floating next to one another.. he takes the last three pulls.. imagines the smoke to be steps and watches as it descends to the water.. the fixation is momentary.. the phone buzzes its her.. "nice blog asshole"..

The Recurring Dream (AMCP)

For the past month or so Ive been having this reccuring dream... Its one of the worst and best experiences of my life.. most times its something I dread as I begin it but wish it never ends... It starts off as Im walking into surgery.. I notice that I will be in one of those rooms where students and other people come to watch the surgery and learn from whatever the procedure may be.. As I walk I notice the gown and the tubes.. As i look into the crowd I see recognizable but unidentifiable faces looking on with grave interest.. As it gets closer to the procedure the walls start to melt and all around me becomes a mad house.. with mirrors everywhere.. I am now dressed in regular attire but feel uneasy.. I watch as I get closer to each mirror and as it becomes a fun house mirror it begins to show all my insecurities, faults, dreams, and nightmares.. each mirror different.. each time something else.. as i begin to get lost in the dreams.. everything fades once again and i end up standing in the same room.. same mirrors except they are windows... each one with a person behind staring and either smiling or crying.. as i walk through things just seem to disappear and with each glance each person begins to fade.. as i walk by i realize if i dont look the faces stay.. they smile.. and i ignore them.. at the end of the room of mirrors i reach some stairs that go up or down and no matter what staircase i take it leads to the same place.. the moment when I wake up.. I always wake up wanting more.. hoping for the answer to whats beyond the stairs... I dont know.. anyway im out later homes

Eastern European Ladies

So anyone who has read this has probably read about my eastern european cleaning lady at work with the vulgar mouth.. Well anyway I'm at work tonight reading a book and she sees me so she walks over and we begin our usual routine of stupid questions and answers.. So I tried to get past that today and asked where she was from.. She tells me Montenegro and I say Wow.. That was a shock for some reason but whatever... So I guess to balance the questions she looks at me and says "Boy why are you here flirting with me?.. Don't you have a girl you should be sharing a bed with?" I laugh and at first tell her she is the girl and then look seriously at her and tell her I wish.. she asks me if there is anyone I think of.. and I tell her all the time.. I tell her of the girl of my dreams I tell her all about her.. I tell her about the dreams of walking with her in the middle of the night just talking.. I tell her of my wishes to sit on my favorite pier that looks at Jersey with her.. I tell her how I wouldnt even need the green or the smoke while I sat there and talked to her.. I tell her of my undying need to please her... She looks at me like shes never looked at me before and asks point blank if I ever told her how I feel? have I told her all these things.. have I even tried to spend that alone time with her.. I tell her yes I tell her of my fruitless attempt of broaching the subject.. and how repeatedly my thoughts, advances, and hints are either ignored or smiled off.. i tell her of the time when I told said dream girl she could complete me.. and make me happy.. at this point shes shaking her head... she tells me maybe I should move on it doesnt seem like shes interested and if shes not giving me the time of day I should forget it anyway shes probably not good enough for me.. I tell her I disagree and that Im not good enough for her.. I tell her its not because of a low opinion of myself but just on such a high opinion of her... I tell her that my dream girl is so advanced shes a mogul in the making.. and she is going to be something better and more than anyone else.. and the only way I could even get near her for real I need to make some changes.. she laughs at this point and tells me that this girl seems way to good for me.. and i agree.. I tell her that for now all i have are the moments we shared and the conversations we could have and have had... those memories and dreams are what will keep the dream alive.. she laughs and asks what she looks like so I tell her I have a picture of her right here.. as she walks over I show her the picture of the girl I like the most..
At this point the cleaner lady still has no idea who she is... but she laughs and says she is too pretty for you.. and I smile and say thats what I hear.. The cleaner lady asks me what does she have to say about my obsession.. I tell her the last I saw her in person she was getting in the back of a limo in Central Park.. the cleaner lady tells me its time to move on.. I tell her I agree.. As I think of the day we meet..

Are people this optimistic?

I really like this poem.. More than it may seem after you read this.. but the first time I heard this I felt good for him while wishing for the same..

Lessons Learned with Headphones

Recently people have mentioned my love of headphones and how they always see me with them.. What people dont realize is this is an old thing.. I have been wearing headphones like old people wear pacemakers for about 5 years now.. At first it started off as this anti-social stand at a place i didnt choose to be or want to be.. and slowly it became a habit.. and then an all out obsession.. now im not caught without them I love them so much.. A lot of it has to do with that whole anti social thing Ive mentioned but also it has to do with my need for music.. Its so weird whenever I dont have them I feel like Im going crazy with all the sounds around me.. Plus it quiets my brain alot.. whatever I like headphones so i dont care

missing hoodies

Watching from a distance you can see him as he gets comfortable.. in the corner five heads at his left carpeted wall at his right.. the head closest him keeps whispering something to him that makes him laugh.. not out loud but enough so where you can see his head shake and hear a faint chuckle... she tries to keep his attention with her jokes, her reactions, her head burying in the hoodie she asked to borrow from him... you can see him reacting to each thing she does with less enthusiasm each time.. he seems to wonder how he got there.. especially now.. especially tonight.. they watch the movie with great interest well him and the four others.. she sits there asking for attention as he pays it elsewhere.. his mind is racing.. he doesnt know whats right or wrong but this he knows is a little more than wrong.. she squeams and mentions how the blood and the bullet wounds look so real.. she tells him that he should stop playing with whatever hes playing with and pay attention. he tells her she would know if her head wasnt in a hoodie.. and again he wonders how he got there.. the movie goes on and as it goes on so do the memories: the voice thats haunted him, the smell thats plagued his nose, the feeling he hasnt felt in months... she leans in and says her co-workers are crazy and they should bounce to get ice cream.. he declines mumbling something about liking the movie.. she tells him a starbucks is across the street and she knows he likes starbucks in the winter.. at this point he stops.. he just stares and wonders how it ended up like this.. how they ended up here.. wasnt he supposed to be somewhere.. wasnt he supposed to be with someone.. she puts her head back in his hoodie to screen her eyes from the screen.. a man just shot a dog.. she tells him she loves her pitbull.. he makes a mental note not to walk her home.. as the movie goes on she has resorted to leaving her head in his hood something she seems to be good at.. that smell will be everywhere he thought.. she tells him it was clutch he had it... he thinks this is ironic being he felt underdressed.. he keeps his mind on what the day could bring rather than what has already transpired.. they finish the movie in silence there are few glances and even less whispers.. as they leave she says starbucks?.. he says no i have work.. they head in opposite directions.. until his phone rings.. one word.. hoodie?.. he tells her to keep it and hangs up.. as he does he wonders aloud how many is that now? as he sits on the train he reads a passage that would spark a thought..:
"the future you had today wont be the future you had yesterday"

I sometimes wish... (another cross post)

(this was a post before my rain one)
that my mind wasnt so full with questions, and impressionable.. As time goes on I let the emotions of my questions control my actions.. and the thoughts of others hold weight in my decisions.. I always hoped to never be that weak but obviously I am.. the crazy part is im usually right with my original thought...




eff it why not?

Uhh this is awkward..

I have a man crush..


Yes its on Saul Williams.. and its not in that I want to be with Saul Williams.. I just need to hang out with him.. Like Riley says "Im not on your nuts" but Im saying can I chill, learn, hear you speak regularly.. Dude just always comes with some next shit.. Plus I feel he's in that mode where he realized hip hop is crazy stagnant and instead of dropping back to something he was before (hmmm jay) he always takes it somewhere else.. Ive been going back and forth with someone who'd we pay 200 dollars to see live.. And granted Ive seen him before.. but Id pay a decent amount to just sit in a room of like 50 people and Saul and just see where it goes.. I dunno I just got that Niggytardust cd and Im like amazed.. I even paid the 5 for it which means something.. I cant really explain his talent to those that dont see but yea its amazing.. So my question is if you are a fan do you like the music or the poetry better? even though most times its one in the same.. do you like the music as much?..


later homes

I love the rain!! Like this little kid loves backshots

Yea so I guess Im back on my Truman show beliefs.. This whole idea that my mind controls everything around me.. negatively and positively.. last night after a long and uneventful night of work and homework I realized I had to venture home in the rain.. Usually I like the rain I dont really mind walking in it and most times I dont really avoid it.. Its something I enjoy walking in while trying to clear my mind.. its actually quite relaxing.. Especially recently Ive had a lot on mind.. So as I step outside the rain is coming down pretty hard and I was quite worried about my laptop so I began to hope it slowed down and as i walked it did.. While this happened I realized I could take the time to think and pretty much analyze all that is going on around me.. I dont know if I came up with answers but the rain seems to always make things better.. almost like everything washes away.. you realize "nothing really matters" but the rain.. I needed that last night and whats crazy the earth seemed to notice i needed it also.. later homes

Working out the kinks

heres something Ive been working on.. its a bunch of thoughts Ive gotten while observing people in the many situations that you see all day while observing people..

As she walked away his mind began to race.. there is so much for him to say.. but with nothing more to discuss he slinks off back to his daily routine.. back into his daily grind.. back into this play called reality.. he kind of feels as if she keeps him sane by keeping things insane.. she is his look into reality.. his view to see that the world is skewed... As I watch him walk the opposite way he looks dejected like his cat just died.. but he understood because it was old.. but he wishes those last moments went on for days.. rather than seconds.. see in his mind everything is fine but he is easily influenced and his influences are less insane than he is.. the other influences think hes nuts, too quiet for words slowly watching as time passes by.. they yell scream and complain that he is very prone to watching the world slip by.. not me i know hes smart.. he realizes what it is and what its not.. and he appreciates it for what it is.. and what it isnt...

My Attempt at Fixing Black Entertainment...

We need a new and updated version of Arsenio Hall.. Im dead serious.. lets be honest.. how many of us take BET serious.. is there anything on there you can picture a presidential candidate selling himself on.. There in no cross recognition.. and when there is its humongous such as when Justin showed up on 106 and Park, and when Robin Thicke popped up on it.. But as always there will be certain artists that are no brainers about promoting to the black youth as well as the mainstream.. but honestly what are we getting out of BET in the terms where it will serve the Gen Xers of hip hop.. the few of us who want to support a black owned or run show/station that not only promoted the black side of the industry but the mainstream area... this is no offense to those that like the programming of the network but honestly the only thing I pay attention to is when they have American Gangster and Re runs of Runs House (an mtv show).. I dont want to go into my problems with the channel such as: the bs of it, the fact that they dont really promote anything positive, they consistently dumb down by cutting educational entertainment, news programs, and videos.. See I understand the whole BET thing low cost programming charge high for advertisements and run them all night.. Its how Bob Johnson really made his money.. and I also understand we are dealing with MTV and they could give two shits about where BET stands in the black community as they are using it as a form of seperation in product.. but how do they not get shows like boondocks.. or how do they miss out on helping black artists.. why do I have to go to VH1 soul to find good music on television.. mother effing VH1 plays more hip hop in a day than BET in a month.. do we remember VH1 when it started it was the home of pop up video.. kenny g.. and micheal bolton.. it was the "whitest" television channel this side of cbs.. and now its sister station is my favorite.. so back to my original thought I propose giving Arsenio back his platform until he can find a proper replacement.. I know the reason Arsenio fell off was the lack of support from the young black hip hop stars.. he was too close to Hammer(unforgivable), and played to his guest.. Artists like snoop, ice cube, pac, and so on criticized the hell out of him and claimed they would never support him.. look at who cube and snoop became and can we take them serious.. anyway there are some videos at the bottom that i think prove my point.. we need the place where black culture meets hollywood rather than just learning about black hollywood or secluding it to ourselves.. think about this.. no arsenio.. leads to no busta rhymes.. das efx.. onyx... and a host of other emcees that got their first national break on his stage.. to this day jay leno, letterman, or carson, would never do that for these artists...



ok im done.. but if you look at that last post of madonna you see who is replaying it right.. Mother EFfing VH1.. i swear i quit society...later homes

Time to get my grown man on...

For most of my life I have been a victim of style.. especially being a young male consistently self conscious with my own self image and my social stature.. I loved the style of nyc hip hop.. the baggy jeans, hoodies, sneaker, and what not.. Im not talking about todays current style of colors and flash.. with a flare of 80s punk.. I mean that gritty wu tang, black moon, onyx, style.. less biggie and jigga.. It was affordable, low in care, and it was something where you could blend in without really sticking out.. Plus most of the men who helped form my idea of men also dressed that way.. except my bro in law.. but whatever.. I was always comfortable with this.. plus it constantly saved me money to spend on other ish.. so recently Ive realized I began to grow out of this trend.. I really dont like it.. now my wardrobe seems so limited.. even though I have jeans and tshirts for days.. I now never have anything acceptable to wear.. even during the whole party debate on if I should go or not.. I felt that if I did I didnt have the right attire to do so.. I was a little embarrassed at my immaturity or the way my wardrobe may make me seem..Im not saying I want to get rid of everything I just realized that I need more options... a more grown attempt.. this popped up even more so when out saturday afternoon with some one, they told me while I was telling them of a shirt I own that they have seen it twice... at that point I realized it was time to step the whole thing up i guess.. true?.. well anyway whats funny is as mentioned before my bro in law always dressed proper to me.. and like in most things I think I try to emulate his ideas of things.. so when I called him and told him I credited him with such a thought he laughed and told me that its not him its a sign of my own maturity... I disagree because of the other influences in my life.. but appreciate the faith that im maturing.. haha.. later homes..



dont mind the long intro but enjoy the song.. fyi.. i really dont like this song as much as other jay songs..

Updates and shiznit..

So I finally began to really start posting here.. and as you will see I reused some posts from my other blog but look closely they are different, longer, more truthful.. I hope you guys enjoy and I hope you will pass it along if you do.. I do need to do something I usually dont do but I wanted to big up another blogger I know.. his work continues to amaze me.. his artwork and poetry is really amazing.. heres the link to his site please check out...Peace Devils Site Go there for real you'll be impressed.. I hope you enjoyed the updates and I promise you there is more.. and I promise things only get better.. even if you read this site before the updates are sometimes before older posts because they were sitting in my inbox for a month and forgot to publish.. enjoy..

The Best Break Up ever

Ok this blog is when my jerk comes out.. If you have high opinion of me, or don't believe me when I say I can be shady.. I'm sorry.. I suggest you skip this one... This past spring I had a very weird relationship.. It was weird in the sense it didnt make much sense to me or anyone involved in the process or lives of the people in the relationship.. my friends hated her but decided I should stay with her because she was "my best chance of having a video chic" (courtesy of easy e) but their reason for hating her was valid.. she came off as though she was really mean spirited, spoiled, stand offish, clingy, and demanding... granted she was a variation of each of these she really wasn't that bad of a person all the time.. towards the end like in every relationship these were over blown and came out in extreme ways she was still sweet.. like the time as we left my house after she spent a weekend there she asked a room she hardly talked to, "did i pass the requirements to join your circle?".. it was fun.. and even more so I questioned daily why she bothered with me.. look my self esteem is a little far from low.. but she was out of my league... and believe me I was told daily by friends, coworkers, guys at restaurants, people on trains, the old guy from oz, and many more random people, and usually people might find this offensive but I didnt, it was kind of fun.. also she had better options, obviously, but I mean I knew of guys who were brokers who were chasing after her... in the end I dont know if they caught her while with me or directly after but they definitely did at some point.. The reason I know this is the reason for this blog.. To me this is the best breakup ever..
So we were at the end of our relationship and things were just horrible we only communicated through texts and what not.. and even then conversations were not for the faint of heart.. but for some reason we always met up and went out and what not... So we were making plans for Jamaican food in the city and were planning how to meet up.. so i offered a plan and she pulls let me check my schedule for the night i'll call you back... after about and hour and a half waiting I was like whatever your schedule is not that big Im out.. (hence the jerk in me).. so I go out and she calls me and i tell her Im out and she was effed for not calling me back.. (i needed to divert) she flipped and was like I better meet her where we said and what not.. see i dont really take well to these terrorist demands so i say no.. and go back in the club as I walk back in the song "Poison" was on... the Bel Biv Devoe song for all you younguns out there... so me being the man i am I text her the famous lines:

" It's driving me out of my mind
That's why it's hard for me to find
Can't get it outta my head
Miss her, kiss her, love her, wrong move you're dead
That girl is poison
Never trust a big butt and smile
She's dangerous
Before I start to leave fly girl
You know 'cause in some portions
You'll think she's the best thing in the world
She's so fly, she'll drive you right out of your mind
Steal your heart when you're blind
Beware she's schemin', she'll make you think you're dreamin'
You'll fall in love and you'll be screamin' dreamin' "

(thank you google mobile helping drunk people twd even more arrogantly and annoying)
At this point I go back in the club and drink myself stupid.. feeling free.. at one point she texted me a question mark.. I requested the song on the juke box and played it over the phone.. and then told her "Im done"... (no this is not the greatest break up ever) at this point I dont know how I made it home but I did.. and I go and attempt to sleep it off.. I wake up the next morning and realize what I have done and call her to apologize.. (if youre wondering why go back to the first paragraph).. and she plays it cool kind of blows it off like it isnt a big thing.. she even said the choice of song was perfect.. so as i get to where we both worked I meet up with some of my co workers that im friendly with.. and they tell me how said girlfriend dressed extra nice today.. which usually meant.. videoish.. and they say how shes in a better mood than usual.. so im like cool lets go say hi but as im going in shes leaving.. she tells me she couldnt stay because she had an engagement but came in just so we could see eachother.. at this point a crotch rocket pulls up with this dude on it.. the bike was white of gray with purple letters on the side that said "Poison".. I swear on all thats holy this happened and she turns and he hands her a helmet and she jumps on the back giving the finger as she left me standing in front of my work building with at least three co workers... that mightve been the greatest breakup ever.. even at that point as she pulled off i called her on her cell and left the message saying "damn that was awesome".. inside my pride was hurt way more than my heart.. I was actually relieved.. you know.. shit happens.. i still get made fun of about this.. but I thought it was funny as hell and still do.. especially now.. I cant lie though I did act like a child that night when she called and I told her i refuse to talk to a butterface.. hey I never said I was quick.. whatever I hoped you enjoy..later homes
Enjoy the Video in honor of a debo like no other from a true

ANOTHER MYSPACE UPDATE BLOG

Ok maybe im socially inept... but how do you express those things.. how do you say hey im cool.. youre cool... lets have babies.. ok maybe not.. this isnt about anyone but i know i think this all the time.. id rather pretend than for it to exist because once it exists.. sad blogs.. angry blogs.. and words like "unavailable".. "distant".. "rejected".. "displaced".. "alone".. "annoyed".. "secretive".. "different".. and what not starts to pop up.. so yea im good... Update : So after writing this blog I got a really weird text from someone from the spring... It was weird because things didnt end well, go well, or last long, actually it was destructive from the get.. and yet I get the whole "I love you and miss you text" and I fall directly into it... until the conversations progress and things start to come back.. and then I remember the angry blogs, the sad poetry, the long lists of whats wrong and right, the trips out of state, the leaving of my phone on a bus in vegas because I was tired of fighting, answering, and caring... I understood the dynamic and understood why it worked when it worked.. and maybe you were right I wasnt ready for what you wanted... I wasnt really ready to dedicate myself 100% to a cause I didnt believe in.. but when you ask me if Im ready now and I say yes.. dont assume youre the cause... something did happen.. I have grown.. and with growth came clairvoyance "THAT GIRL IS POISON.."

The sad part is we still entertain each others calls and what not.. anyway here goes a video to go with that pic...

"Still waiting for my date to kiss me or slap me cause there is no way I can be happy when Im happy"

Sorry for all the ben harper videos lately but thats whats been playing around me as I think about writing or write.. so i figured Id use the videos to show whats been playing as I write...

Argh, so as usual I disappoint.. I dont know what to say.. This one was probably the least intentional... I actually planned to go to this one.. I dont know.. Sometimes I think we arent meant to be around eachother... because no matter what I say she wont believe it or think that it warranted me missing her party.. and granted I realize I go to nothing but thats my life.. i always seem to be more busy than one can be.. and I am.. but for her its weird.. like one time I had a fire in my house the day of her birthday.. but honestly I cant claim complete innocence when it comes to these things because I am completely unreliable when it comes to certain things... but its not out of want to be a dick but out of complete no control over my life.. with working full time and taking at least 6 classes a semester im surprised i still write... let alone socialize and what not.. and i understand that for certain people i should make the time.. its just that its hard to get out of things.. I really never say no to anyone.. and even when I do Im usually punked into doing it anyway.. It just seems that Im losing a friend and that worries me.. later homes.. This is where the Myspace version of this blog ended... Lets finish it...
The reason I feel so guilty about this situation is... I still ended up in the city.. Granted I still didn't have time to go to the party.. but if i was going to go to the city I feel as if should have gone..but to be honest at some point i chose someone over her.. not intentionally where it was either or.. but I chose to spend the small amount of free time with someone else.. this is where Ive been called a jerk.. but in a way i feel like things have been changing and after talking to her yesterday I didnt feel as bad as I thought I would.. Im kind of tired of bending over backwards for everyone I know for no return of the favor.. This has been a long process but I have tried to maintain every important friendship in my life only to not get the same justice... whatever not important whats important is this has kind of led to this campaign of giving effective side eyes to requests.. I always feel as if I might be over extending myself.. which usually just leads to the thoughts that you tried to hard.. you always hear that phrase nice guys finish last.. truer words have never been spoken...