God Doesnt Love.. Nor Do I?

When I was in high school I remember reading and acting out Julius Ceaser for English class.. Of the Shakespearean classics that was my favorite to read.. The Leonardo Dicaprio led Romeo and Juliet was my favorite film adaptation with Ten Things I Hate About You coming in a close second.. The reason I have such an affinity for Julius Ceaser was the character of Brutus... He is one of my favorite literary characters of all times.. And he introduced me to a lifestyle that at the time I was already following but now i had a reason to... I learned what a stoic was and why it was important to be one.. See Brutus never let his emotions get the best of him.. always acting out in the cause of the greater good no matter how it may have affected him personally... As a child I learned this lesson the hard way.. Growing up with my mom, emotions were taught to be a good thing, she would instill in me the ability to show how I feel and to express that, but after moving in with my dad things changed.. I learned that emotions really didnt have a place in this new world.. and being overly emotional usually had negative results rather than the ones that helped bring about change.. since the time i was 9 i can count on two hands the amount of times i even came close to shedding tears from either happiness or sadness.. You just learn that it isnt worth it.. As I grew older I began to wearing this poker face no matter what.. It was best for my situation and it helped me be the cool head in many a hot situations.. Have I lost control over the last 15 years? Of course.. but Ive learned a valuable lesson each time.. Sometimes this can come off as cool, calculating, non emotional, and whatever else.. but for the most part it doesnt come off as anything at all because people get used to you not having any kind of emotion at all... In this current relationship model I sometimes wonder if its a hinderence or a plus.. I catch myself no matter what i think falling back and letting the situation dictate my mood.. but recently ive been told it comes off as non-interest or a calculating way of getting some proverbial upper hand in dating.. when in all honesty i just never know how to respond and when i do i think deeply about the whole idea of it... I just feel like as we get older this whole dating thing should be done with more responsibility then the average decision.. and if i feel that way about dating it carries into my everyday life... Whatever.. I dont know why I keep writing about dating when for the most part i describe myself as "not really looking but looking".. I find myself intrigued and wishful but with this whole idea that so much is needed that i may not have the ability to do it... I feel like if it happens it happens but for the most part.. it is what it is.. later homes

Ready?

Anyone who knows me in anyway knows for the last year or so Ive been on some type of romantic hiatus.. basically Ive been trying to go along without getting emotionally involved.. Over the last few years relationships have been weird and Ive tried to avoid them like a plague.. A part of me was caught up in the past and another part of me was kind of fearful that I was leaving the old me behind and beginning something that will change me again.. After the fire of the major breakup it took a while for me to understand who i was and what I wanted.. I felt the need to figure that out and along the way became someone completely different than I ever was.. I was happy with that.. Almost enjoyed this new independence.. I found myself happy to be on my own way.. Not really thinking about others while building a life built around me.. Ive realized as you build relationships your life begins to plan for two rather than one.. You begin to act as if there is an understanding that there is a future and it includes two.. You make sacrifices, and you make agreements.. For the most part these agreements are things you may not have made while not in a relationship.. these decisions are the types that impact your life and future forever and being the back to the future fan I am I never wanted to make the "sports almanac" mistake again.. See I thought I was alone in this quest and thought my life in sin was something only I was doing in my own secret world.. Until recently someone sent me a NYTimes article written by some guy going to USC talking about the end of the relationship especially in the young adult crowd.. He talked about time, effort, availability, and desire as reasons the age of the college /young profesional relationship began to die.. He mentioned the loss of the desire to date and more of the same talk why would you if you can just hang out at the house.. As I read his article I began to realize that this was my idea of why I wouldn't get into anything.. Why I was fearful of starting something new.. Everything I was looking for at the time was being provided without the commitment of a relationship.. The issue now is as I've gotten older and my priorities continue to change and mature I find myself wanting more of a companion than a friend.. This all plays into my whole friend dynamic with the male and female.. As I begin to evolve so do my motives and my options of course as a youngin you want those female friends to chill with but as you get older you always want more.. The issue with me now is Do I think I'm ready and if I am have I found that new understanding with myself.. I catch myself wanting what I've seen so many of my friends decide and wondering if its for me and if I'm making the right choices.. Because a year ago I couldn't imagine wanting to take my groups ski trip with someone else or wanting to make plans with someone for the holidays but now I find myself wanting all that and more.. Is this that point where the old heads tell you you're maturing or is this me falling into the trappings of a duel society.. I have no idea but I know that as of now I'm quite intrigued.. Later homes..

Question?

Someone asked me recently " how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?" I said I don't know I guess as long as it takes I'll know when I get there... They responded it takes 3... Is that truthful?

Forever? (stolen from my personal journal 1/1/08)

So how long is forever anyway? I mean seriously when we say forever do we really mean forever? Because just recently I saw someone I havent seen in forever.. but if that was true that would have meant I never actually seen them right? So when we promise others to love them or what not and we say forever do we really mean it? And if we do, do we know what we are getting ourselves into.. Ive been wrestling with this idea for some time now.. This whole concept of time and commitment and if my soul can cash checks my body isnt ready to handle.. But sometimes I question if thats the whole idea of love.. the whole concept of forever.. and when you say forever its truly supposed to be forever.. see a man like me doesnt believe in love, or the whole forever idea.. because i think everything has a time limit and everyone has the right to change their mind.. but this whole torch of mine is starting to get a little heavy.. I have a torch with the magical words of forever etched in it wrapped in gold.. I feel like Ive been holding this torch for a little over seven years now.. and for the first half of those seven years it was as bright as it can be.. something for the whole world to feel and see.. I held it high and proud.. never tired of it.. never trading it in.. as time went on the torch began to dim but words began to stick out more.. as i try to replace said torch.. with torches from the north.. torches from the islands.. torches from the ivy's.. torches from the past.. I find myself continuing this process of carrying something I no longer want to hold.. but my soul seemed to have made a promise to carry it forever no matter what.. this torch seems to have been nothing but a downfall.. an inhibitor of everything new, fresh, clean, and fun.. When I get the new torches I would always compare them to the one I can't let go.. and at some point I always choose to stick with whats old.. See for the most part my body and mind says let it go.. youre holding it alone.. but my soul responds with words about promises and keeping them and thoughts about re-living them.. see my soul is the illogical part of me.. the one that if it was possible would believe in santa clause, and the easter bunny, and what not... my mind and body is logical and believes in the physical concept of new things, wants, desires, smells, and feelings. my body and mind are also the ones dealing with calcium build up in my arm from holding said torch and all that comes with it.. but my soul refuses to give up.. refuses to let go.. sometimes i feel like its refusing to let me grow.. I really need to find a way to give up.. let it go.. move on.. this cant be like this forever right? see and there goes that word forever again.. and the implications the word holds when used with its full meaning.. I sometimes think forever should be seen as a negative.. a word only used when your time is up.. like the two people in that movie.. you know the one.. as they lay there staring down their fate.. only then should one say i will love you forever.. because in all honesty thats the only time its possible..

This what Im labeled as

Your result for Howard Gardner's Eight Types of Intelligence Test...

Intrapersonal

12% Logical, 25% Spatial, 47% Linguistic, 51% Intrapersonal, 24% Interpersonal, 35% Musical, 25% Bodily-Kinesthetic and 10% Naturalistic!

"This area has to do with introspective and self-reflective capacities. Those who are strongest in this intelligence are typically introverts and prefer to work alone. They are usually highly self-aware and capable of understanding their own emotions, goals and motivations. They often have an affinity for thought-based pursuits such as philosophy. They learn best when allowed to concentrate on the subject by themselves. There is often a high level of perfectionism associated with this intelligence.

Careers which suit those with this intelligence include philosophers, psychologists, theologians, writers and scientists." (Wikipedia)

Take Howard Gardner's Eight Types of Intelligence Test at HelloQuizzy

Its so hard in the D...

saw this on Sickamore's blog and decided to jack it.. (whatever he jacked it as well..) My whole thing is this is more for me.. being I actually write about people.. consistently.. Recently I've been trying to go back to my old standby of being vague and discretionary.. But Im about to start putting people on blast.. just because im bored..

Music is my anti-drug..

A couple of things said about me or stories Ive been involved with recently that may prove music may play too much a role in my life...

"If I never hear you and Jeff talk about music or fantasy football again It wont be long enough"

- A frequent standby while I'm talking to Jeff

Walked into an exam this past Saturday and sat down to take it.. Finished said exam and handed it in.. Walked out of the exam and saw a friend sitting by the wall.. She looks at me and rolls her eyes i ask what and she begins to talk.. nothing.. but her mouth is moving.. then it hits.. never took my headphones off...

Began re-listening to my favorite emcee's whole album catalogue in succession so I can better get a feel for how great he is..

Someone I never met in person said the following of me.MFDash (4:37:04 AM): i dont think i expressed this but music runs my life
nee23 (4:37:19 AM): That's obvious
MFDash (4:37:35 AM): i was late for a meeting in the library today so i could set a playlist for my shower and my bike ride there and back
MFDash (4:38:25 AM): why is that obvious
MFDash (4:38:26 AM): ?
nee23 (4:38:49 AM): lol. it happens
nee23 (4:39:03 AM): and anyone with sense can tell music is a huge part of your life
nee23 (4:39:10 AM): or anyone who can read for that matter
nee23 (4:39:30 AM): headphones are like a hat for you
nee23 (4:39:34 AM): right?
MFDash (4:39:42 AM): yea basically
nee23 (4:39:43 AM): without it you feel odd
MFDash (4:39:52 AM): one of my friends call them skin
nee23 (4:39:59 AM): yea
nee23 (4:40:02 AM): appendix
(yes that inspired this post)

Finally while waiting for W to start today I left the theater to discuss the different rhyming patterns of certain emcees and their ability to ride a beat..

Sometimes I think I may need a life...

thats right music is my life...

by the way this is my new theme song..


later homes

Why do Ladies love Fancy Clowns

George W. Bush inspired me today..

So I saw the Bush movie today by Oliver Stone.. and oddly enough I left feeling differently about our 43rd president than I did going in.. Im still not a big fan.. but if the movies depiction of him is anywhere near spot on.. I admire his determination.. There is a piece of me that admires that trait in people... I dont know why but I always question my own determination.. as hard as i work i question if im working as hard as I should be.. Well anyway while watching the movie I began to notice my slack off from goals Ive set for myself this year.. Even though I am reaching some there are others that once reached Ive kind of left alone.. Which as depressed me.. I like to talk this big game about whats important and what I want but in the end I feel like Im not doing enough.. So like any 5 year old I realized I needed to begin to reward myself.. haha.. I dont mean just begin rewarding myself.. Im talking about setting goals with levels and rewarding myself only when completed.. To add dedication.. See I see the issue of being in full control of rewards and methods.. but ive discovered a way around that.. google calendar.. each day I will knock off if I completed a goal and let google decide if I get a reward.. Ive randomly selected days as my turning point days.. Like one of my goals is to shave two minutes off my mile run.. So if by a certain date I dont do it I wont be able to buy myself Civilization 4 for Xbox 360.. yea this all seems trivial and the fact is i shouldnt need a reward to complete these goals but you know what.. I like this method.. and will try it out.. overall though these are all goals that i think will make me a better person which is a reward and a goal all in one.. I dont know this blog is really random and badly constructed but i needed to conceptualize this idea before starting... It was a goal for the day.. haha.. no reward though.. boo.. anyway.. enjoy the next blog? haha later homes..

Change the name to....

This song is so dope.. When i get a chance i will stream the Doom Version but for now you'll get the point..

Why dont you...

and they said hip hop was bitches hoes drugs and guns.. later homes

Life Decisions

Three posts in three days this is like a record for me this past year.. Anyway.. So Ive been reading another blog lately keeping up with it daily and looking to see the similarities between mine and hers while also looking for inspiration on topics to write about.. Today she wrote about life and the process of growing up and becoming an adult.. I was always fascinated by the idea that we are becoming adults in our early to mid twenties.. When i was younger I thought Id have it all figured out by now... I had a good example and a bad one all rolled up into one.. I idolized my sister and brother in laws situation thinking that I should be able to accomplish what they have in the same strides and more since the younger generation should always do it better.. See they were married at 21 and had a house not long after.. They have two kids and have already moved into their new residence and my sister just turned early 30's.. To me that set me on some trajectory that may be unattainable.. Maybe it was my maturity level at that time or maybe I just made the wrong decisions but I am just seeing my life come together and starting to find my way through it.. My decisions and thought process have begun to be more concrete while having more of a life plan behind them.. This became even more evident this weekend as talking to people around me.. Well my bro in law and his neighbor and two of my bosses I made a decision of what to do when I get out of school.. For the first time a goal is attainable and its not something I really am excited about but more so a means to a goal that I am excited about.. Its weird though because as much as Ive talked about this goal in this post I refuse to discuss it outside of that circle.. I think in some ways I am nervous.. and other ways Im embarrassed that I may not complete it or that better options may present themselves.. But as of now this is what Im working towards full speed.. so all those wondering what Im doing for the first time I have something that Im confident is a means to an end.. later homes.. and btw.. a finale..

Watch the sad clown die

This world ain't a wasteland
It just taste that way some times.
It depends on the angle
On how you read your lines.
For every brick we stack to come together to build
There's a sick little crack in this foundation still.
Humans! I can't accept them.
Trying to understand them
And what fuels them and their essence.
I'm looking for some leverage.
Catch up, trying to catch me.
Curse-ed, depress-ed.
Here to make you happy.
"Hey daddy tell me why the clown is crying."
"Well son he's got the task of cheering up the ill and dying.
On top of that everybody thinks that he's insane.
Can't fathom why he'd wanna ease their pain."
Walking through this maze made of concrete walls
When you're not allowed to climb there's no way to possibly fall.
When your hands are restricted to hold nothing but self
How can you get a grip?
How can you pick up what you're dealt?
The clown stays sad.
The ground stays hard.
With a couple pounds of migraine, a pocket full of scars.
But the face stays painted on for everyone to gaze upon
continuing the bad dream till he wakes up gone.
Do they see me?
Do they know that I exist?
I know they do.
I can tell by the way they wave their fists.
Weirdo. Freak.
Words of endearment ring in my ears
And cling onto my tears.
My purpose on this earth was to brighten the sun ray
At the circus or parade, house call on a birthday.
A bag of balloons, I can build you a farm.
Became worthless when they took away both of my arms.
Snake charms.
Magic tricks.
The world is flat.
And the traffic is thick.
Got my back to the wind as I watch the inhabitants.
Every thought I come across is bigger than this planet is.
I used to be a normal person
But I held a hunger to experience it firsthand.
I wanted to turn every frown upside down.
Some how my feet separated from the ground.
And the clown stays sad the people stay lost.
Nah, the people are sad, we lost the clown.
But the face stays painted on for everyone to gaze upon
And it will stay that way until the break of dawn.
So throw your hands in the air!
"Oh, I'm sorry you can't you're wearing a straight jacket."

Some times I have this fear of blogging.. talking.. sharing.. It seems like every time I speak my mind I end up offending someone somehow.. When all I want is to have a free voice.. Whats weird is that for the most part i seem to exude the aura of confidant.. people come to me with all types of issues and for the most part Im supposed to be supportive.. objective.. happy to help.. whereas there never seems to be a place for me to be open except in these posts and yet i still get the phone calls and the nasty messages... The worst aspect is the feeling of guilt.. Like I shouldnt have feelings or emotions, and my face to the world should never change.. I dont even understand how thats beneficial to me or the people close to me in anyway.. These are the days when I want to overhaul my whole list of friends and just start anew or maybe become a hermit.. I dunno it is what it is later homes

I guess everyone needs someone...

Sitting on the train this morning looking up at the sky I saw the sickest clouds with the best backdrop ever.. Maybe the window was dirty or maybe it was a sign but the clouds were in a straight line with blue shadowing them with a backdrop of gray and the impending rain to come today.. As I sat there listening to the man doom tell me about Lifesavers and tried to get through this middle eastern homework my mind kept wandering back to this past weekend and the weird taste it has left in my mouth.. Dont get me wrong I had a great time but something about it doesnt sit right.. Here I'll tell you the story and you tell me what you think.. Or maybe this is me just working it out.. Whatever here we go.. So i have a friend from childhood who knows one side of me.. We have history and a pretty close friendship.. She is one of my closest friends and someone I care deeply for.. So over the summer against my better judgment i agreed to introduce her to my family as a whole.. Well the ones that are closest aka my sister and what not.. After she canceled on me the first time... School started, second job kicked in and time with family dwindled.. So the next time down visiting was my sisters bday which my bro in law made into this fancy event in Philadelphia with the whole fam plus friends.. Plus neighbors... Yet she still insisted on joining.. Before taking this journey that my fam is nuts and there will be questions.. Sidenote.. Im quite private (ironic no?) and have only introduced two people to my family.. One was someone I thought i would marry and the other was who they thought I would marry.. Anyway so we embark on this magical journey.. Do dinner.. Have a good time.. We clown my cousin and his superficial thoughts on himself.. She seems to fit perfectly at dinner entertaining herself while holding her own when conversations travel all around.. Its about as comfortable Ive ever felt with someone while around my family and maybe even more so with my family in general.. As if Im not alone.. and someone else I could sidetalk with.. joke with.. walk with.. nah mean.. it makes it easier when you dont really want to deal with others to have someone you like dealing with around.. so Sunday comes around and its brunch and the conversations are less p.c and more in sections.. as the men huddle around the common question is whats the deal with me and her and when i deny any involvement i get the sideeyes, the quick glances, and the dreaded "man please...".. so when I finally get her alone I explain to her jokingly what has happened.. and the common questions that came with it.. After about a moment of silence.. She begins to rebuff these questions like i was suggesting she was the anti-christ.. See this has been my issue with said friend.. For the most part I have never swayed in my thoughts on our relationship.. I feel as if Ive been quite clear.. Im confused.. See thats clear.. Ive said from the beginning that I love her to death but as time goes on she makes me realize how much it wont work.. There was the whole logic vs want talk.. the talk about attraction levels.. and the whole discussion on the stance of how close we are and not wanting to ruin that.. On the train coming home from my sisters that night something strange hit me,, the reason i didnt feel well coming home was because I was offended.. More so due to the fact that these conversations were constant reminders of my shortcomings without me putting myself out there to have them critiqued.. I could see if I was consistently pursuing but I wasnt.. I was actually not pursuing.. refusing to do so because of the strange situation our relationship has landed us in.. See months back when discussing why she wanted to meet my family and my reasons for being against it.. my major reason is the sign it would show to those related to me and to my own psyche.. Because of my few interactions with my public and personal life I take them very seriously and how i feel during and after as deciding factors.. and with the two previous I always felt like it was wrong on some level I was completely uncomfortable and wished to never experience it again.. Whereas this past weekend I never felt as comfortable.. With that being said my mind began to race as it does when contacted with these situations and I realized that for the most part I avoid these situations purposely and asked her to understand that.. but instead it was pursued.. and my feelings were proved correct.. but at the same time I felt some type of way because of this whole need to prove to the world we arent together.. As long as I know and she knows why is there such a need to be so vehement about the subject.. almost like shes proving it to herself.. because i never ask or imply I want our friendship to change.. actually I dont even think I would know how to respond if I was asked for it to change.. Im so used to where we are now.. but Im beginning to question if its healthy.. my self esteem aside how can other match up if she plays such a large role in my life? if im so comfortable with her? why would i even begin to look when ready? and knowing that she has no reserves with doing "her thing" is my singlehood and continued silent role sending the wrong signal?.. whatever I just know at this point I find myself at some crossroad almost ready to cut another friend off because of a perceived need to grow separately.. later homes