God Doesnt Love.. Nor Do I?

When I was in high school I remember reading and acting out Julius Ceaser for English class.. Of the Shakespearean classics that was my favorite to read.. The Leonardo Dicaprio led Romeo and Juliet was my favorite film adaptation with Ten Things I Hate About You coming in a close second.. The reason I have such an affinity for Julius Ceaser was the character of Brutus... He is one of my favorite literary characters of all times.. And he introduced me to a lifestyle that at the time I was already following but now i had a reason to... I learned what a stoic was and why it was important to be one.. See Brutus never let his emotions get the best of him.. always acting out in the cause of the greater good no matter how it may have affected him personally... As a child I learned this lesson the hard way.. Growing up with my mom, emotions were taught to be a good thing, she would instill in me the ability to show how I feel and to express that, but after moving in with my dad things changed.. I learned that emotions really didnt have a place in this new world.. and being overly emotional usually had negative results rather than the ones that helped bring about change.. since the time i was 9 i can count on two hands the amount of times i even came close to shedding tears from either happiness or sadness.. You just learn that it isnt worth it.. As I grew older I began to wearing this poker face no matter what.. It was best for my situation and it helped me be the cool head in many a hot situations.. Have I lost control over the last 15 years? Of course.. but Ive learned a valuable lesson each time.. Sometimes this can come off as cool, calculating, non emotional, and whatever else.. but for the most part it doesnt come off as anything at all because people get used to you not having any kind of emotion at all... In this current relationship model I sometimes wonder if its a hinderence or a plus.. I catch myself no matter what i think falling back and letting the situation dictate my mood.. but recently ive been told it comes off as non-interest or a calculating way of getting some proverbial upper hand in dating.. when in all honesty i just never know how to respond and when i do i think deeply about the whole idea of it... I just feel like as we get older this whole dating thing should be done with more responsibility then the average decision.. and if i feel that way about dating it carries into my everyday life... Whatever.. I dont know why I keep writing about dating when for the most part i describe myself as "not really looking but looking".. I find myself intrigued and wishful but with this whole idea that so much is needed that i may not have the ability to do it... I feel like if it happens it happens but for the most part.. it is what it is.. later homes