I guess everyone needs someone...

Sitting on the train this morning looking up at the sky I saw the sickest clouds with the best backdrop ever.. Maybe the window was dirty or maybe it was a sign but the clouds were in a straight line with blue shadowing them with a backdrop of gray and the impending rain to come today.. As I sat there listening to the man doom tell me about Lifesavers and tried to get through this middle eastern homework my mind kept wandering back to this past weekend and the weird taste it has left in my mouth.. Dont get me wrong I had a great time but something about it doesnt sit right.. Here I'll tell you the story and you tell me what you think.. Or maybe this is me just working it out.. Whatever here we go.. So i have a friend from childhood who knows one side of me.. We have history and a pretty close friendship.. She is one of my closest friends and someone I care deeply for.. So over the summer against my better judgment i agreed to introduce her to my family as a whole.. Well the ones that are closest aka my sister and what not.. After she canceled on me the first time... School started, second job kicked in and time with family dwindled.. So the next time down visiting was my sisters bday which my bro in law made into this fancy event in Philadelphia with the whole fam plus friends.. Plus neighbors... Yet she still insisted on joining.. Before taking this journey that my fam is nuts and there will be questions.. Sidenote.. Im quite private (ironic no?) and have only introduced two people to my family.. One was someone I thought i would marry and the other was who they thought I would marry.. Anyway so we embark on this magical journey.. Do dinner.. Have a good time.. We clown my cousin and his superficial thoughts on himself.. She seems to fit perfectly at dinner entertaining herself while holding her own when conversations travel all around.. Its about as comfortable Ive ever felt with someone while around my family and maybe even more so with my family in general.. As if Im not alone.. and someone else I could sidetalk with.. joke with.. walk with.. nah mean.. it makes it easier when you dont really want to deal with others to have someone you like dealing with around.. so Sunday comes around and its brunch and the conversations are less p.c and more in sections.. as the men huddle around the common question is whats the deal with me and her and when i deny any involvement i get the sideeyes, the quick glances, and the dreaded "man please...".. so when I finally get her alone I explain to her jokingly what has happened.. and the common questions that came with it.. After about a moment of silence.. She begins to rebuff these questions like i was suggesting she was the anti-christ.. See this has been my issue with said friend.. For the most part I have never swayed in my thoughts on our relationship.. I feel as if Ive been quite clear.. Im confused.. See thats clear.. Ive said from the beginning that I love her to death but as time goes on she makes me realize how much it wont work.. There was the whole logic vs want talk.. the talk about attraction levels.. and the whole discussion on the stance of how close we are and not wanting to ruin that.. On the train coming home from my sisters that night something strange hit me,, the reason i didnt feel well coming home was because I was offended.. More so due to the fact that these conversations were constant reminders of my shortcomings without me putting myself out there to have them critiqued.. I could see if I was consistently pursuing but I wasnt.. I was actually not pursuing.. refusing to do so because of the strange situation our relationship has landed us in.. See months back when discussing why she wanted to meet my family and my reasons for being against it.. my major reason is the sign it would show to those related to me and to my own psyche.. Because of my few interactions with my public and personal life I take them very seriously and how i feel during and after as deciding factors.. and with the two previous I always felt like it was wrong on some level I was completely uncomfortable and wished to never experience it again.. Whereas this past weekend I never felt as comfortable.. With that being said my mind began to race as it does when contacted with these situations and I realized that for the most part I avoid these situations purposely and asked her to understand that.. but instead it was pursued.. and my feelings were proved correct.. but at the same time I felt some type of way because of this whole need to prove to the world we arent together.. As long as I know and she knows why is there such a need to be so vehement about the subject.. almost like shes proving it to herself.. because i never ask or imply I want our friendship to change.. actually I dont even think I would know how to respond if I was asked for it to change.. Im so used to where we are now.. but Im beginning to question if its healthy.. my self esteem aside how can other match up if she plays such a large role in my life? if im so comfortable with her? why would i even begin to look when ready? and knowing that she has no reserves with doing "her thing" is my singlehood and continued silent role sending the wrong signal?.. whatever I just know at this point I find myself at some crossroad almost ready to cut another friend off because of a perceived need to grow separately.. later homes