Forever? (stolen from my personal journal 1/1/08)

So how long is forever anyway? I mean seriously when we say forever do we really mean forever? Because just recently I saw someone I havent seen in forever.. but if that was true that would have meant I never actually seen them right? So when we promise others to love them or what not and we say forever do we really mean it? And if we do, do we know what we are getting ourselves into.. Ive been wrestling with this idea for some time now.. This whole concept of time and commitment and if my soul can cash checks my body isnt ready to handle.. But sometimes I question if thats the whole idea of love.. the whole concept of forever.. and when you say forever its truly supposed to be forever.. see a man like me doesnt believe in love, or the whole forever idea.. because i think everything has a time limit and everyone has the right to change their mind.. but this whole torch of mine is starting to get a little heavy.. I have a torch with the magical words of forever etched in it wrapped in gold.. I feel like Ive been holding this torch for a little over seven years now.. and for the first half of those seven years it was as bright as it can be.. something for the whole world to feel and see.. I held it high and proud.. never tired of it.. never trading it in.. as time went on the torch began to dim but words began to stick out more.. as i try to replace said torch.. with torches from the north.. torches from the islands.. torches from the ivy's.. torches from the past.. I find myself continuing this process of carrying something I no longer want to hold.. but my soul seemed to have made a promise to carry it forever no matter what.. this torch seems to have been nothing but a downfall.. an inhibitor of everything new, fresh, clean, and fun.. When I get the new torches I would always compare them to the one I can't let go.. and at some point I always choose to stick with whats old.. See for the most part my body and mind says let it go.. youre holding it alone.. but my soul responds with words about promises and keeping them and thoughts about re-living them.. see my soul is the illogical part of me.. the one that if it was possible would believe in santa clause, and the easter bunny, and what not... my mind and body is logical and believes in the physical concept of new things, wants, desires, smells, and feelings. my body and mind are also the ones dealing with calcium build up in my arm from holding said torch and all that comes with it.. but my soul refuses to give up.. refuses to let go.. sometimes i feel like its refusing to let me grow.. I really need to find a way to give up.. let it go.. move on.. this cant be like this forever right? see and there goes that word forever again.. and the implications the word holds when used with its full meaning.. I sometimes think forever should be seen as a negative.. a word only used when your time is up.. like the two people in that movie.. you know the one.. as they lay there staring down their fate.. only then should one say i will love you forever.. because in all honesty thats the only time its possible..