Happy New Nothing?

I guess its been established already 3 hours 56 minutes into the new year and I broke my major resolution already.its not like I tried to do it.. These things kind of happen..flashback
Sitting in Girl a's house with her family at 1130 girl a's sister asks me what my new years resolution is: I respond "to build healthy and fruitful relationships while eliminating all the rest" girl a's sister laughs and asks me does that mean the end of me and girl a's friendship..
That wasn't what I was getting at but honestly our friendship is the epitome of everything that isn't my nyr.. And I know this and yet I'm there.. But instead as always I shrug it off and argue the merits of a friendship that increasingly gets harder.. Fast forward the 3 hours we are laying on her couch with her legs in between mine (not in that way) and I wonder how I got here.. How I continuosly let myself get sucked in.. Questioning and wondering if this is what I really want.. Was talking this over with jeff this morn about how his and my sisters relationship left me with unfillable expectations of love and life and what to expect of myself.. I've recently found myself searching for relationships to fill some void that I felt was left in my life.. I dunno if I felt like a failure or what it was but I was going through the issues one has when wanting of something.. But this morn I was resolute about it all being mind games and my self concious and how this idea and why I keep running from relationships was their fault and not my own.. Then its 358 am and I'm laying here telling myself this is the future.. This makes sense? When knowing it doesn't.. When knowing its all for show for now.. And when time passes ill continue to not be the one or whatever it is that we are looking for these days.. While I continue to make excuses and blame others of why I'm not in a relationship and why I keep unhealthy ones around.. Ill keep making resolutions to change.. Knowing I never will.. (Have ..)